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Not a call for pity.
08/15/2007 07:32:55 / lonely
I miss the good ol days. I'm only twenty and I already miss the "good ol days", not that there ever really were any. I just want to go back in time and get a re-do from about age ten on. But then again, if one were to get such a magical wish, would one ultimately end up making the same choices? In a small way I would hope so. Granted, right now I hurt. I miss my friends and I miss the love that I once shared with someone, but then again I've already lived such a full life. I've been ecstatically happy. I've been completely devastated. I've seen more of the world than most people three times my age. I have loved. But at what price? I lost my innocence somewhere, some how along the way. I lost my way, wandered from what was best. I lost everything that makes a twenty year old a twenty year old. I'm jaded, scared, and - dare I say - to some extent damaged. There never really were said good ol days, always just a shiny veneer over a crumbling world and reality. Maybe that's why I've been on the run for so damned long. I'm just starting to get tired of it. I want something real. Something that isn't just fickle and a passing fancy. Something that can be ugly, but can be beautiful all at once. Not something that looks and seems a perfect fit, but is relly just an excuse for more heart ache later. I need a change of venue. I plan to leave my old life and old ways behind me very soon. Start over. Destroy anything left of what I once was and the person I hate so much. It's sad. I don't hate anyone else. Just myself. I don't even hate those who abused me, raped me, and used me, then left me for dead. How fucked is that? I would rather hate myself and everything I am and have worked so hard to be than those who see fit t destroy me. What the fuck is wrong with me? I don't think I will ever find out.
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