..or, the Heatwave.

I'll start with the heatwave, we're supposed to be having one, the local radio station said so t'other day, so it must be true. They also said it must be stuck in traffic, cos it isn't here yet. The weather widget on my desktop has said 'sprinkles' for everyday since last friday. Last night the heatwave was thunder 'n' lightening 'n' torrential sprinkles here in Dingley Dull. I mean Hull.

I've spent the whole weekend eradicating the last traces of wallpaper from my house. I hate wallpaper. I've always hated wallpaper. I always Will hate wallpaper. There's only one thing i hate more. Taking it off again. And as if paper on the walls wasn't bad enough to get rid of, there was getting it off the ceiling too. Who in their right mind wallpaper's ceilings?! I had the Stranglers 'no more heroes' going through my head, with 'heroes' changed to 'wallpaper'. Oh and then Speedfreak Mr. Cleversod decided to give a helping hand. By spraying the walls and ceiling with the garden hose to soak said offending wall covering. Nice. It dripped. On me, on the furniture, on the carpet... Rain indoors, heatwave sprinkles out....... Mr. Boss Stevie Ze said 'you've got SubAqua happening over there have you?' and laughed. (i got my own back on Speedfreak, and washed the windows while i was at it, with them w-i-d-e open. Oopsy, dripped on his bike below, har)

Happyday, happybunny day, day one of 'no more wallpaper in my house'

...the album is now available to buy on I-Tunes. TREVOR BOLDER of Uriah Heep plays bass on it & also produced & arranged the track "Lady Rocker".

(the previous version on there was an un-authorised bootleg version. Gawd help the 'pirate' who did it, if i ever find em!)

Finally got it sorted on Monday.

Why, do they feel the need to completely paralyse half your head, top to bot, front to back, and your tongue! to knock the top off one little tooth that's fallen in half of its own accord anyway?!

I felt like one of them wibbley wobbley Salvadore Dali paintings for hours afterwards, all down one side of the Dolly bonce. And had the mother of all headaches when it wore off.....

I've come to the conclusion teeth are vastly overrated. More trouble than they're worth. I mean we have the machinery to pulverise food to a liquid mess that'll fit through a straw in our kitchens these days, so why do we still grow the pesky things in the first place! Evolution's dropped a b*ll*k there, me thinx.

Crown count now at 5. This latest one is a solid chunk o' silver, oooo.

(a funny email a mate sent me....i'm only half Brit, so it makes me laugh twice, hehe)

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for aBelgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or aTurkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch Americanshows on a Japanese TV.And the most British thing of all ?Suspicion of anything foreign.Oh and !Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to  the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people  can buy cigarettes at the front.Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and  a DIET coke.Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to  the counters.Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on thedrive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and thenhave call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want totalk to in the first place.NOT TO MENTION...3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of  screwdrivers.18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a litcigarette in their mouth.A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years afteropening bottles of beer with their teeth.and finally........In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the  toilet.I am proud to be British !!RULE BRITANNIA!!!  

The Farm where we hang out.......it's a remote place. Somewhere in the Lost County of Yorkyland, up on the Tundra somewhere, not far from the village of BARKingmad (it'd have to be wouldn't it). It's not on any map, not since the 1700's anyway. No buggar can find it to plot it ON one. It's down a muddy cattle-track hidden by high hedgerows and overhanging tree's, up a hill, down a dale, up another hill....you get the picture (if you're thinking 'grim', you'd be pretty close to the mark). A sleepy quiet hamlet of Olde Worlde charm, bypassed by the Modern Age and colour T.V. (by quite a long way too, ooh sorta.....the whole of the 20th Century, all the fun stuff, you know) where the goodly simple folks retire of an evening when the sun sets (which is very early in winter, about 3pm) to rest their eleven toes, and arise to tend their fields at the crack of dawn, with the morning mists (which last till tea-time) swirling about their knee-breeches. Yeah, this is where we hang out, "nobody calls, nobody knocks, our friends are all far away". Dammit.

Quiet. Peaceful. Sleeeeeeeepy. Dull. Smelling of...well just like Charlie said in the song really......and the postman never bothers us, don't think he can FIND us. No swimming pool though, too cold up here in the Wilds of Yorkyland for one. We do have a babbling brook running through the rehearsal room, which is quite sweet, if a bit dodgey with all the electricals around. Keeps us alert. We call ourselves SubAqua when we're there. (We have hundreds of extension leads plugged into each other, leading back and rigged up to the one lamp-post outside the next village but two. That lamp was only put in recently when some poor unsuspecting soul wandered off the path onto the Moors, no doubt in search of civilisation, or a party of some sort, and fell down a pot-hole. Happens.) So, in need of somewhere to rehearse, we invaded this forlorn place to frighten the living daylights out of the local inhabitants of this Land That Time Forgot, (and nobody misses) playing loud hard-hitting fast-paced Rock & Roll. Spelt NoiZE.   

Q1. In your own words, what is the philosophy behind Ze Suicide?     My philosophy is to regain freedom of musical and artistic expression and put the term Rock Noize onto the planet, and banish the bores. To give entertainment value, theatre and drama back to a world so deprived of talent, that big brother show nobodies are now considered major celeb's. How sad has it all become?? and haven't we had enough of unidentifiable flying hip hop chicks, with their nothing songs, false bottoms, and big heads. Who are they?       I am so sick of talentless emptiness sang by dumb, blank clueless faces with nothing to say, who are constantly forced upon us by talent show judges and mainstream radio DJ's, who assume that only what they like is all we should be allowed to hear. Their kareoke minds have killed creativity stone dead. Kareoke is cheap shit, for cheap brainless people, and real artists are no longer allowed in to an industry clogged up with this rubbish.      There is plenty of great talent out there, that is just not getting through, because of the saturation by these thicko, brainless, football shirted, Sun reader, Saturday screamers, whose lives revolve around the talent shows which they follow intensely like shaved headed sheep, and their silicon brained disco chicks.      You know....talent shows, were originally for village idiots at garden fetes, who would never have a hope in hell of understanding ANY form of art or performance. Now, it's seems these village idiots have the sole right to prime-time T.V. thanks to a lack of intelligence by the general viewing public. Thus, keeping real acts out of the equation and putting musicians out of work all over the world by miming to everything.       In other words..... believe in REAL art.

Q2. What do you want to happen when people listen to your music?    I want them to feel good about themselves, and no longer oppressed by the media's artistic censorship that we are forced to endure by the totally invisible, personalityless dance DJ who now clog up our airwaves with their emptiness and silly unfinished drum beats. It's not up to them what we want to listen to, they only hate guitars cos they can't fucking play one. While ANYONE can put a record on or stick a CD in a machine, like all that Ministry of Sound hapless bollox and the Ibiza gang of Benidorm boilers and their flat-headed, Brain of Britain boyfriends who listen to it.      Britain has been deprived of Rock Noize for so long now because of these people, and their fear of being individual. Well, remember, individuality is an Art. If people want Rock Noize, i'll give it to them. That's what i want people to hear, their own personal freedom of choice.      They either like me or they don't. If they don't they can bollox.

Q3. What do you want to happen when people see you perform?    I want them to recognise an identity....an identity within themselves.... A feeling of self worth and away from mundane, everyday routines, and bad people that we all have to endure from time to time, and away from the greedy, jealous bastards who'll try to fuck up your life cos they have none of their own. People will try to destroy anything you do because they can't do it.       I hope in Ze Suicide you'll see the inspiration to express yourself in your own way, and be free of big-heads and bullies who'll try and stop you.    Punk Rock never stopz, and you're all welcome.

Q4. How will Ze Suicide changed the world?    By making it brighter.... The world needs some light, and for EVERYONE to have a voice.       I hope i am dance music's worst nightmare... An end to the nothingness of the spoilt, supercilious (fucknose how you spell that), golf playing, daddy's little bigots.       I send them back to their own inevitable blandness. It's time for change!! A time, when bullies, know-all's, and people who wanna beat you down and critisise have no more power!! A time, when the cheap playground Mister Big, with his preconditioned, BMW brain, can no longer force feed his elitist filled crass. Let them have their hate, and let them have their greed, i say 'it's YOUR life, do what you wanna do, do what you NEED to do, thats how you make a change, power to YOURSELF.     I am the king of anti-media'.     I am the King of NoiZE.

Q5. If there's something you could tell the world, what would it be?     The only people i have attacked, are the attackers who won't live and let live.       DESTROY HATRED!! Be Yourself.

Likes & Dislikes....Likes:- All animals, and people who care for their welfare..good music..playing guitar.. playing drums..writing songs and nail polish. Dislikes:- self opinionated posh Tory twats..ALL MP's, that includes New Labour and Liberal Democrat liars..the Royal Family, and all the fucking idiots who grovel around them..fox-hunting and other cowardly persuits dressed up as sport..Annie Lennox..bullying..cruelty.. football..dance music..BMW's..elitist spoilt-boys..golf club pricks..Brian Ferry..the Church.. local parish council idiots..born again ANYTHING..Sting, all back-stabbing, lying, two-faced, one-upmanship get ahead types..politically correct nutters..money money bullshitters..dozey voicemail..

..to be continued.. 

There's been some goings-on in Camp Ze in the past. That's all changed now, for the better.

Over the past five years there's been too much of what 'other people' want, think, would like to do with "Ze Suicide", and not enough of what Stevie himself wants, thinks, would like to do.

From managers who've changed the name of the band; have spoken as him without his knowledge and without his knowing what has been said; have told him what he can and can't do/say because of their own tastes/preferences/likes/dislikes/fears; made decisions for him, in his name, without his prior knowledge or approval, with their own - not his - interests in mind; tried to change his songs and image; used him to 'get rich quick', and run away when it hasn't happened; have said who can and can't be on his friend-list on HIS myspace, regardless of what he himself has said (and have used the same myspace for their own ends, so if you find yourself deleted it's because Stevie himself has said you had to go)...the list goes on.

To band-members who have only been after using his name to further their own interests, and open doors for their own outfits, and have run out on him when those doors have opened; think they're on a 'get rich quick' ride without having to put in any work; think the music business isn't 'a proper job' but all the same want paying (?!!); who promise to 'be there and do their job' but have pulled out and left him in the lurch at the very last minute; have expected him and everyone else to sit and wait while they get on with their day-jobs, even to the point of cancelling or re-arranging gigs/festival bookings/photo shoots; have tried to make Ze Suicide their own outfit, and only wanted to work with their own idea's, never mind what Stevie's idea's are, in what is HIS outifit; have changed his words in written articles before posting them as blogs/newsletters...again the list goes on.

Most of these things have happened because Stevie doesn't have a computer, and hasn't been able to check for himself what's been going on, and people he's trusted not telling him the truth. Understandably this has led to confusion to people who haven't been 'in the know' of what's been going on, and blame has been laid unfairly at Stevie's door, when things have gone wrong. From now on, Stevie himself is in full control and nothing is done without his consent.

Only Stevie IS "Ze Suicide". No-one else can, or ever will be.