DATE: 05/02/2013 23:48:05 / MOOD: angry

Lately I've been getting better so it seems but I'm still not an ounce happy at all...i found people who are willing to commit helping, volunteeringly, with my idea of the venue i have set out for the near future. I have everything set out. Seperated those who aren't my friends and those who are aside to focuson myself more but still don't know what I'm missing at all. Yes I'm glad where I'm leading my ideas towards though not glad with the drinking and smoking more constantly than i should and i shouldn't because of the medications i have. Been having frequent anxiety attacks. Last night thought to head out and see my friends band perform but i fell into an emotional rolercoaster aside of being drunk at the time. Fun only lasted for a bit and everything became bitter again. Work is the same but so far no hospitalizations at all. Honestly don't have a darn clue why I'm writing this at all and I'm sure I've become probably annoying with all my blogs...I'm sorry :/

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DATE: 04/23/2013 21:36:59 / MOOD: lonely

Fed up with alot,not sure what I'm looking for anymore or what I'm wanting. I watch days pass me by,people just being ignorant or ignoring me like i don't exist at all. I try to be there for those who i thought were friends but guess its not worth wasting their time nor mine. I'm falling into depression again,drinking and smoking more than usual. I just want to feel alive like i did once. Seems like ill never feel that again. I keep contemplating drugs aside of suicide. I'm not happy with anything at all and i can't stay alone in plain soliditary environment. I just don't know what to do anymore or what or who i am anymore. I don't want to feel like this at all. I wish for so many things but it's just not going to happen at all.

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DATE: 04/18/2013 00:52:26 / MOOD: other

I could'nt believe how far I have traveled, guess I really meant what I said, to be as far as possible from home. Glad I was to be gone from hell but now I face another hell, finding a home and my sister. Street by street I saw such structures and art around, from office buildings to old looking apartment buildings which seemed deserted and not taken care of properly with a lot of damage and graphiti on the walls and windows.

"Where exactly could she even be? I haven't got a clue where to start but guess I'll start from here, no where to really get to but its a start." I whispered to myself as we drove into streets where lights were dim and all i could spot out was trash bins tipped over with everything spilling out. There was graphite everywhere and abandoned houses that had vines covering a portion of the house through the broken windows. We appraoched a driveway with a wooden fence with graphiti of the same symbols from the dashboard and a huge letter A on it in red with the letters C.A.B. next to it.

"We are finally home Lorna" Jess got her bag from the back seat and carefully got Siouxsie and put her inside.I got out the car and stumbled over a rug that was left on the floor nearly falling. We both started walking up towards the wooden fence with drawings all over. As we got closer to the fence i noticed a few similar symbols from the dashboard in Jess's car.

"Why is there a lot of graphite on the fence Jess?" I looked at the symbols and drawings curiously to figure out what they all mean but i had no clue what i was actually looking at. The one that caught my attention was the A symbol with a circle around it.

"Those are all just band names and song titles. The  A.C.A.B. stands for all cops are bastards,a good song from the 4 Skins. The A you are looking at is the anarchy symbol. Cops aren’t really fond of driving past here but we have not done wrong to them, though they did beat down one of our friends who was sent to the hospital by one of the pigs just because he looked suspicious and thought he was hiding drugs or something. Main point here, we’re just politically expressive so don’t worry, nothing will happen to you and we will all make sure of that." Jess smiled at me as she unlocked the chain to the fence.

"That is interesting and alright, I shall not worry though I am kind of nervous to meet your friends." I got really tense and started sweating bullets as we managed to open the fence and walked through, approaching the door.

"Don’t worry Lorna, they're are friendly people. Not much to be afraid of though they do tend to be sarcastic at times but hey I have your back if any of them bother you alright?" Jess chuckled and got the keys to unlock the door, I was less nervous after.

"Hey Jess! Good to see you here again it's been so long!" one of Jess's friends came rushing towards her and hugged her as Jess was losing somewhat of balance after the impact.

"It's good to see you again Matt but it I’ve only been gone a couple days" Jess laughed as she hugged back her friend Matt.

I couldn't help but stare at Matt's wild and vibrant dark green hair put up like a shark’s fin or some kind of fan over his head. He also had this jacket with a bunch of spikes on the shoulder about 3 inches high, some patches with the same names and logos i saw on the dashboard as well as the wooden fence outside.

"I know but it just seemed like forever. Who’s your friend Jess?" he extended his hand to greet me.

"Oh, this is Lorna. Lorna this is my friend Matt. She has traveled quite far and saw her trying to get a ride out in the open so offered her a ride and place to stay" Jess excitedly told Matt.

“Umm hi.." I shook Matt's hand.

“Nice to meet you. You seem quite nervous Lorna." Matt chuckled as he noticed my sweaty hands and cherry red face.

"Yeah, sorry, I'm just not.."

"Not used to seeing people like us? Its alright, don't worry. I don't bite and hey make yourself feel at home. Want a beer or something?" Matt interrupted and laughed as he went to the kitchen to get me something.

"Yeaah...and no thank you,i don't drink at all. I have my reasons, though water would be fine" i nervously walked towards the couch to sit down.

"Alright then, I'll get you a glass of water. Where are you from exactly Lorna?"

"Thanks and I'm from a small town in New Mexico..."

"what?! Wow, you've traveled far, how old are you anyway?" Matt was astonished to know more and rushed to the living room to hear more as he handed me the cup of, water.

" yeah i have traveled far. I'm 16 actually. " i took a small sip of water.

"i thought you were 18 Lorna" Jess looked at me in disbelief of my age.

"no I'm not 18, i barely turned 16 a month ago."

"So what brings you out here to L.A.?" Matt curiously looked at me like he knew something.

" I just wanted to leave home, try out something new that's all." I looked down at my worn out shoes.

" I see, so your just a runaway then, right?" Matt asked knowing I left for another reason.

"yeah..." I kept avoiding eye contact with Matt.

"Alright, I'll be back. Going to get you some blankets while Jess finds you a spot to sleep. sleep or rest after your long journey here" Matt got up and headed towards the hall way.

"Come on Lorna, let's find youa spot here. Sorry if the place seems like a mess, usually this place is packed with other people looking for a place to sleep. Your lucky its just me and Matt for now, I'm sure a couple more people will be here."Jess escorted me through out the place.

"Thanks" I walked behind Jess trying not to break anything on the floor.

It was quite a mess alright, flyers, beer bottles, clothes, spray paints, and food wrappers all over the furniture and floor. Reminded me of how home was when dad went in rage throwing things around and breaking things.

"here you go Lorna a couple blankets to keep warm. If you need anything you can ask either me or Jess. Please enjoy your stay. " Matt smiled and handed me the blankets.

"Thanks for letting me stay, I really appreciate it." I smiled back and got the blankets.

"Don't worry, anything to help out anyone. You can stay as long as you want and have either of us show you around so you wouldn't get lost and know where to go."Matt smiled and Jess agreed with him.

"Thanks you guys, well i'm just going to crash now. I'm really exhausted from this long trip." I yawned as i was stumbling upon a jacket on the floor nearly making me fall. "Alright just be careful not to fall" Jess and Matt laughed as they went to the living room.

I couldn't help to feel quite nervous and wondering what to do now since I ended up at the end of the countries land. Hell, a place I didn't know at all and stuck at this place with complete kind strangers and lucky i wasnt one of those people to have had something bad happen to them on their road going to who knows where, to who knows what. I was glad i ended up in a place to sleep but where am I to go after, should I stay and have Jess help me out like she said she would or go on my own like I always have. Missed having people around to talk to instead of a drunk dad and a fucked up sister who I looked up to because she didnt fear anyone that much, though she had gotten herself in much trouble than what I had expected of her.

"Hey, leave those there. Dad will get mad if you take one of his cigarettes Meryl. He'll beat you if you take some and I dont want you to get hurt" I softly told my sister while I was anxious that dad would wake up to get another beer from the fridge at any moment.

"He's not going to find out Lorna, don't worry alright i'm just going to get one to see what it feels like to smoke" Meryl smiled at me giving me a sinister grin.Meryl grabbed the pack of cigarettes and opened the box exposing just a few cigarettes left in the box. Dad barely got the pack, though he sure does smoke a hell lot to have it almost empty now."Come on Meryl just leave them, I dont want you smoking either sis." "Well its only just one Lorna, nothing bad is going to happen alright. Trust me."

Meryl took two cigarattes from the pack and we both sneaked in to Meryls room. She then closed and locked the door and grabbed a small pack of matches she hid underneath her bed. As she took the cigarette and was about to light it up we hear dads footsteps in the hallway. My heart sank in and Meryl hid the cigarettes in one of her books in which she made a small compartment to hide things in. The footsteps kept getting louder as he was getting closer. My heart started beating faster than usual and Meryl went to sit down on her bed and wait for dad to leave with his beer and get drunk as well pass out again in his room like always. Just then I hear a loud banging at the door and I was sweating in fear to what could've happen now. The door slams open scaring me and waking me up from a bad dream.

I got up quickly while holding the blanket and only to realize that the door was shut all along. I was sweating alot after that scare but I calmed myself down and just watched the clock till I passed out to sleep.

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DATE: 04/18/2013 00:49:38 / MOOD: Stoned

Two days past by and suddenly the train started to slow down. I didn't know for how long i was traveling but it seemed to come to an end now. 

"Hey Lorna we have to get off this frieght quick, before it completely stops or you'll deal with authority"

Erick got up and got near the opening of the freight, it was dusk by now. All I noticed was just a shadow standing there waiting to see when to jump. I was nervous and wondered what to do after the he  told me to get off before the train came to a stop. 

"Come on Lorna, you have to jump off now before the train arrives at the station." he waved his hand at me to hurry up.

“Alright then" I said as i got up quickly getting my bag.

I went to the opening of the freight and stared at the ground seeing how fast the train was going. I was scared to know if I would make it jumping off a moving train. This was by far the craziest thing I've done so far. I am one crazy bitch for even jumping into a train with a stranger. I laughed nervously and couldn't help but laugh about the situation, suddenly I’m pushed off the train into bushes and grass. I got lucky I didn’t break a leg though I did get bruised 

 "Fuck! That was not how I was thinking of getting off the train at all. Now what?" I got up and looked around to see where I was. 

"Sorry Lorna, I had to do so before you missed a safe spot!!Take care and it was nice meeting you!"Erick yelled as the train kept going into a distance. 

The only thing I saw was just an empty dirt path ahead of me. I started walking to see how far I would get. Still no sign of anything but plants and a hot sun rising behind me and my shadow following ahead of me. Least I didn't feel fear like I did a while ago when I left home and ended up on the train.

"Don't know where I’m going but I will get somewhere sometime today."

 Walking through empty dirt roads, tired, thirsty and hungry carrying my bag filled with clothes and belongings in hopes of hitching up a ride. I look back to see if there's any cars on the road heading my direction. Just then I see a car from a distance heading towards my way. “I better get a ride, I really hope to get a ride this time unlike the bastard who flipped me off a while ago." I held out my arm giving the hitch hikers thumb in hopes the driver would stop and give me a ride. The car starts getting closer, leaving a dust cloud behind. As the car gets nearer it starts to slow down and i could see the drivers figure. I was astonished to see who the driver was. A young woman with bright dark blue hair as of a tropical birds feathers, she had quite a few piercings on her ear, a tattoo on the lower back of her ear of two safety pins that formed the letters L and A. "hopefully she won’t flip me off and drive off like the other driver before her" I ran up to the car as the window was rolled down.

“Hop in kid, where are you headed to? I’ll take you" the stranger kindly opened the door allowing me in and before i did I stood there thinking if I should or shouldn’t get in risking the dangers that could happen, but I was too tired and felt like passing out because of the lack of food and water these past weeks I have been traveling.

"Anywhere but here please, thanks" I got into the car noticing the poorly treated vehicle with worn and torn out seats, the dashboard was full of graphite with skulls and names I have never heard of before reading death and chaos. I started to get worried but i needed to get somewhere where i could get food, water and probably sleep at.

"So where are you headed to kid? looks like you need some water and food, here you go and there should be a bag beneath your feet with food if you're hungry." She handed me the bottle of water noticing that i was really dehydrated.

"Thanks, I honestly don't know where I’m headed to and I don't know where I am exactly. I'm from a small town in New Mexico" I tried to avoid staring at the stranger who had a unique style ive never seen before. I was bewildered by her look, instead i looked out the window and stared off at the horizon as the sun was about to go down into a sunset.

"Wow, what are you doing all the way out here kid? You’re in California just a few hours from the city of angels. Are you a runaway, squatter or just visiting a relative? by the way I’m Jess and you are?"

"My name is Lorna and I guess you could say I’m a runaway. I don’t have relatives out here at all either. Just dont know where I’m going at all" I opened the bottle and chugged all the water. I tried to not stare as much at her hair and just the way she looked.

"I see, well nice to meet you Lorna. You've never seen anyone like me before have you?" she chuckled as she noticed I was staring at her curiously.

I nervously replied thinking she was going to throw me out the car "umm no...I’ve never seen anyone like you where I’m from actually. Sorry for staring at you."I looked away and I started to realize that my stomach was growling and i needed food, so i reached down for the bag that Jess told me it had food in. I suddenly felt something nibble at my finger.

"Fuck! There’s something under the seat!" at that moment a small black and white rat crawls out climbing up Jess's leg."Shit! Get that thing away from me!" I shrieked startling the rodent.

Jess laughed and stared at me curiously “It’s alright, don't worry it’s just my best buddy Siouxsie. She's a nice critter who loves people. Are you afraid of rats?"She picked up her rat and put her on her shoulder.

"I’m not afraid of them...I just don’t like them and to me they are considered pests" I ended up getting goose bumps just staring at that thing on her shoulder.

"Aww but they are friendly creatures and need love. Not hate because they are seen as pests when they just want to survive. But I'll keep her away from you when we get to L.A. speaking of which, do you even have a place to stay?"

"Yeeah, I just don’t like them and no I don’t have a place to stay..."I got a bit jittery and my palms were sweating quite a bit after the small scare with the rodent.

"Well hey you're in luck, you can crash with me and my friends for as long as you want 'till you figure out where you're headed from here. Is that alright with you? “Jess looked over to me and smiled.

"Thanks I appreciate it, though i guess I’ll just stay for a night and move on from there “I felt glad I didn’t refuse the ride or else I would've still been out there and passed out getting eaten by wild animals out there or something.

"Alright then Lorna. Just make yourself feel at home when we get there and don’t be startled by everyone there they are all nice people. They may seem vicious and what not but you'll like being around them. Do you drink by any chance? like beer or whiskey?" Jess smiled and waited for my answer.

"I've never had alcohol before honestly and I wouldn’t want to try it either" I blanked out for a bit.

"Get off you're lazy ass Lorna! Pick up the broken bottles and make food you lazy bitch!" Dad chugged the bottle of whiskey and threw it across the room, making me flinch and quickly did as he said.

"I wish mom was still around" I said under my breath as tears came down my eyes.

"You better not be crying Lorna! I told you to not cry at all." Dad started throwing things around and swearing like a sailor. I stayed quiet trying to keep myself from crying even more. Ever since mom past away when I was 13,dad had been drinking and smoking constantly than he'd done before. Wish things were okay and my older sister just ranaway and never heard from her again after dad almost strangled her to death a couple weeks ago.

"Lorna are you okay? Lorna!" Jess yelled getting me out of my trance realizing she was trying to get my attention for a while now.

"Sorry I was just thinking and yeah i'm okay....so what were you saying Jess?" I looked down and tried to keep tears running out of my eyes.

"Alright Lorna...and I was asking what do you normally like to do in your free time?"

"oh, and umm..I read and write alot in my free time thats about it, rarely have I been able to get out."I looked down and out towards the street just staring off seeing the first few lights of the city. I have never seen such a sight like this before and I was amazed at what i was seeing.

"Thats very interesting Lorna, I kind of do the same but with music and art. Pretty much I like to sketch and do photography alot especially at shows and we are almost arriving to L.A.Have you been to a show before?"

"Umm no I havent been to a show before at all.What is it like?" I was curious to know what she meant by a show. In my head i thought of like a movie show or theatre acts of some sort like Rocky Horror.

"Really?! Oh you must go with me and my friends to one tomorrow, we'll pay your entrance fee" Jess was excited to tell me more.

"You don't have to and i dont want to be a bother as well either" I said nervously turning down the offer.

"Aww alright but hey the offer will still be there kid, so dont hesitate to say you are wanting to go alright.I mean they are fun to go to honestly, the shows ive been to just get me pumped up with adrenaline,bands around here are pretty good. Last one i went to was for Agent Orange, that night was freaken awesome. " Jess smiled and laughed. "Well we're here now, at the city of angels"

I looked and saw many tall buildings, art on every piece of wall near alleyways. Noticed people who were without a home and seemed like they haven’t bathed in months or have eaten at all. Noticed people in nice suits and clothing that seemed to have cost hundreds of dollars. To know I was far from home and being in the unknown just made me glad I’m not near of dads crap and he won’t be able to hurt me now.

I wasn't expecting to come a long way just to get away,be free and

find my sister. I couldnt help but smile so much in relief, the same feelings i had on the frieght train came up again and i couldnt help but smile and laugh so much in pure happiness.

"what are you all up and so happy about Lorna?" Jess gave me this confused yet glad your okay look.

I stopped laughing and smiling when Jess asked her question. I was not sure what to answer her question with. Should i tell her exactly why i was like this for the moment or just keep it to myself. Would she laugh or say mean things to me for being a coward and leaving my dad alone? I kept thinking as to what to do. Palms were getting sweaty and i was getting anxious.

"Are you alright Lorna?do you need us to stop somewhere and have some fresh air?" Jess was then getting concerned as to how I was getting.

"No, I'm fine just kind of got myself thinking that's all." I looked away and just tried to not break into tears.

" Is there something you want to talk about and need someone to listen to you? I'll be glad to give you an ear if you need it." Jess looked at me in concern and as if she knew what was troubling me.

"Thank you, I...I just..." I started to choke up in between words and started crying.

Just then i feel the car being pulled over to a complete stop and silence. I looked over to Jess and she gave me a hug. I couldn't contain all my tears then.

"I should've left when i had the chance, i shouldn't have let her go on her own without me knowing she cared a lot and wanted me to be safe...I...I..it was my fault...I caused everything....dad being a drunk and hurting both me and Meryl...." I just continued crying and mumbling all i had blocked inside. Jess held me and kept hugging me.

"Its alright Lorna, look you are safe now and I'm sure you'll find your sister soon. Don't worry, things are at a new start for you. I'll help you out if you want me to." Jess softly said in my ear making me cool down and stop crying, reflecting over what good I've done.

"I'm sorry, I..just..I don't know...wish my mother was still around or else..."

"You wouldn't be out here at all and would still be at home..."

We both stayed quiet, I turned my head down not knowing what to say but feeling scared. Scared enough to not move anywhere else beyond this point. I stared out at the vast view of the city, gas station across the street where we parked and a couple of cops passing us by. It was quite cold and Siouxsie was walking around on the dashboard minding its own buisness. Jess stayed quiet and waited for me to reply. Drenched in tears on my face, I grabbed my bag and took out the bandana I had inside to wipe my face off. I had no clue what to say but to stay silent as I felt words being stopped from comming out of my mouth and held in at my throat.

"So what do you want to do from here Lorna?"

"I don't know but i just want some rest, I've had a long day..."

Jess turned on the car and put on some music so it would'nt be a quiet ride to where we were going, never have I heard such raging music that seemed to be talking about my life story in a way, all the words that had been sung struck me in ways i never felt. What was this exactly? It was upbeat and fascinating with such a raw voice. I couldn’t help but to let all this sink in with such a good and rebellious feeling that just gave me a grin full of confidence of something good yet something to fear. Was I facing fear in its eyes right and the adrenaline rushing through my viens just taking me to limits I never though I’d break? Whatever it was it was just pure and great.

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DATE: 04/18/2013 00:48:05 / MOOD: other

It was already 2 in the morning and I started to sneak out the window. I threw my bag out first and carefully tried getting out. Managing to sneak out like this was quite easy though hopefully dad was passed out drunk this time. To my luck he was and I just started to walk away from where I was to be happy but looking at this place now I was glad i made the decision to leave this hell. I was sure mom was happy I decided to leave and look for my sister. I kept walking for about 4 hours and arrived near train tracks, to my luck I saw a train coming from a far. 

"I should manage to get on the train, but how if its not to slow down but keep going?"I kept going near the train tracks as the train was already near. Just to think of how much a risk I’m making made me even think of how I’m to get on there at last. The train got closer and closer and I felt a rush of adrenalin all over me and it just felt so great. The weather was great, the sun was out and I forgot how it felt to be happy for once and to be free out of misery. Just then the train rushed right pass me blowing wind right through my hair, but I got back to my senses to get up on the train. I saw an opened frieght a few carts behind on the train and decided that i would somehow hop in even if I broke an arm doing so.The train was already moving past me bringing excitement and a smile to my face. I was already running to the side of the train to get in and see where it might take me. I held out my arm trying to get a hold of the freight and suddenly someone grabbed my hand and pulled me.

"Shit!" 

"Hey don’t be swearin' kid, least you got in. Where you to be heading to?" Stranger asked as he sat down to the dark end of the freight where i couldn't see his face and only to hear my heart beating rapidly.

"I don’t know but thank you sir for helping me." I said nervously trying to catch my breath from running.

"No problem and you must be one of them runaways then" Stranger laughed 

"Yeah... how long have you been on here?" 

"Just a couple of weeks" 

"I see..." I sat down on the other end of the freight and just  looked out to see the view. 

"Yeah, I've traveled to many places and still do. It’s been already 12 years now that I've been out and about. Seen a lot out in the road and need I remind you to be careful out there cause you're how old exactly?" The stranger asked curiously.

"I'm just 16 about to turn 17 in a week now, sir"

"I see, well hey you have to be careful if you are going to be out and about, especially a young girl like yourself. There are people out there who can do you harm and not in a good way either. Just be careful where ever you go." The stranger said seriously and I felt a shiver up my spine. 

What was i getting into? should I have stayed at home and deal with dads drunk ass or out here in a place so unknown. Well its too late already i'm on the train and i'm miles from home now, where am I to end up, I dont know. All I knew was that i had one hell of an adventure to deal with now and go through but it will be worth it to find my sister. I sat there wondering where I was heading to but I felt great beyond belief. It was as if I were in a dream where I would never wake up. This smile on my face was just really getting to me and I couldn't help but scream, laugh and cry of joy which startled the stranger on the other end thinking I was on drugs or something.

"You are quite happy kid?" the stranger said confused

"Yes I am quite happy, I just never felt so alive in my life and it just feels great! I'm fucken free!" I yelled excitedly.

The stranger laughed as I started to hear music coming from his end and I was surprised. It was the stranger singing and playing the guitar and thought he had a music device or something producing music. All I heard were the words of being free from such misery and how great it felt to be happy. 

"So what's your name? I'm Lorna by the way" I asked nervously as I took out a bottle of water from my bag.

"Sorry for not telling you, my name is Erick and nice to meet you Lorna" 

"Nice name, so why are you always traveling?"

Erick stayed silent for a while and then got up and walked over to me. As he got closer I finally saw how he looked like. He was wearing an old rugged fedora hat with a faded patch on the back, there seemed to be some kind of scar underneath his right eye. Very young looking too, around his mid 20's i would guess. I stayed quiet waiting for his response as he sat down next to me. 

 "Do you really want to know why I travel?" 

"Yeah I do, if its not a bother..."

"Well Lorna, the reason i travel is because i'm just wanting to find a place i want to call home. Ive been through many roads that it just seems impossible to find it in a way."

"What do you mean?" I asked confused

"The home i'm talking about is not like the one we build and live in, rather a place in our life road that we feel at ease, happy, and not afraid of anything." 

I stayed quiet and gave it a thought making me have flashbacks and reflect on things as well as to why I, myself was leaving home. Where was I going with this? was this just to look for my sister? Questions kept going on in my mind. 

"I never thought something like that before..." I looked at Erick as he slightly smiled back.

"You'll eventually answer those questions along your path of living in the world. Your young and barely exploring the world outside and inside ourselves. Theres never an answer to much anything kid but sometimes some feeling of accomplishment or ease"

"I see...but what happens if we do find this place we call home?"

"To be honest, I dont know. Its all just different in everyones eyes."

 With that we stayed quiet for the rest of the day, just watching the world pass us by with nice sceneries from the somewhat opened door of the frieght we were in. I kept thinking about what Erick said about finding home. Never did i think of things that way, I always thought is was like that anyways but looking back on things I was never feeling like i was at home after mom passed away.  

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DATE: 04/18/2013 00:46:55 / MOOD: Stoned

I walked down the street late at night taking advantage that dad was passed out drunk tonight. Rarely was I let out for walks without having to get hit or thrown bottles at me. Walking down street by street remembering when mom was still around and just seeing how empty this place is now, just made me wish I could go back. Once it was full of life now it’s just plain and shit. I looked up to the clear night sky and a half moon shining down on me. “Mom, if only you didn’t had to go so soon. Dad’s been getting out of control lately and I don’t know how I will get through. He’s been beating me and Meryl close to death, drinking quite constantly and Meryl once was about to chuck a hammer to his head so he’d shut up and stop swearing at us. I stopped her before she even did.” I started walking back to the house after a couple or more hours and just talked to myself the entire time I was out. I looked at the house that once stood in a nice white color and flowers surrounding the place, grass were a nice shade of green, now it’s just pure trash with broken glass windows covered with plastic. Why was I even staying here with an abusive drunk ass dad anyway?   I got to the house and snuck in through my room window trying to not make as much noise. It was quite warm inside. I went straight to my bed and just stared at my walls with all the photos, writings and random drawings that had been left behind from old friends I never heard of after mom’s death. I couldn’t help but smile for a bit remembering the crazy things I did as a kid when things were just plain and simple. I grabbed the blankets next to me and fell asleep thinking of those great days I had. “Lorna get the fuck out of bed, wake up your sister and make breakfast!” dad yelled as he threw the empty bottle of whiskey at my room door. I got up as quickly as I could before he could even lay a hand on me. I glanced at the clock and noticed it was only 4 am. Quickly I changed into my clothes and ran to Meryl's door. "Meryl get up, hurry" I kept banging at the door so she would get up. "Just leave me alone Lorna, I'm tired. Just want some sleep!""But.." I was then pushed aside hitting the wall by dad's arm."Meryl, get your lazy ass off the bed and get out here right now!" Dad yelled with a booming voice that gave a smell of hard liquor around me. "Fuck no, just go the fuck away old man!" Meryl yelled as she threw things at the door trying to scare dad away."You fucken bitch. Get out here right now or I’ll beat this door down and get you myself!" Dad kept banging at the door. I tried to get out of the way as much as possible without having dad hit me. "Fine! Go for it bastard!""No one calls me a bastard here, you hear me!"

"Why the fuck not?! You just sit there doing nothing but drink you liqour all the time and beat the shit out of us."

“‘Cause you guys are a bunch of lazy twats doing nothing all day!"

I couldn't stand listening to dad and Meryl yelling at each other. Wished i could do something without getting hit. I just went to the kitchen and grabbed what i could to make breakfast. Just then i hear the door being broke in and Meryl yelling at the top of her lungs.

"Leave me the fuck alone dad and don't you dare put your damn fingers on me!" Myrel yelled as i heard things being thrown everywhere in her room.

"Meryl, get over here now!"

"No!"

I then hear something heavy fall to the ground making a loud thump on the floor. I ran into the room to see what happened. I couldn't believe what I saw; I was left in shock at what dad was doing to Meryl. He was choking her and making her turn purple.

"Dad, leave Meryl alone please you're going to kill her!"  I yelled desperately trying to figure out what to do since dad cut out the phone line. 

"Go away you bitch!" dad yelled at me bringing fear in me.

I couldn't do anything, seeing her getting killed by my own dad. I just felt really angry and frustrated that i couldn't do anything but i snapped and everything went black. 

"Lorna? Please you better not be gone too" I heard Meryl’s voice and I slightly opened my eyes.

"What happened?" 

"You knocked out dad with a bottle at his head. He's unconscious for now but I don't know for how long. Lorna you saved me when he was already close to taking my life away...”

Meryl then hugged me tight and thanking me for doing so. I looked beside me seeing dads body on the floor still breathing but not getting up as well as the broken whiskey bottle next to him. 

"Lorna I can't take this anymore, I'm just going to leave and you should come with me." Meryl got up and quickly started packing up her bag. 

"I'm not leaving...”

"What?! Why not Lorna? He'll beat you to death or worse than what he was bound to do to me!"

"I'm not, I'll be okay here. Don't worry about me alright?" 

"No! Come on you need to leave with me too" Meryl threw an empty bag at me to pack up as well.

"I'm not going Meryl, you're welcome i saved you but i am not going anywhere at all. What’s a 13 year old going to do outside with nowhere to go? 

"I don't know but you will be safe than staying here. Better to be safe than sorry Lorna but if that’s what you want then i'll leave you here on your death place “Meryl finished packing up and headed towards the door. She then stopped and looked back at me in disappointment.

"Lorna I don’t know where I’m to go but if you come out looking for me one day I'll be waiting where ever I am...good luck staying in hell"

She walked out towards the main door and slams the door before I could even say anything. I went to the window and saw her walking away into the rising sun until i saw her no more. I stood there looking out and not knowing how i should even feel at all. Already lost my mother and now my own sister. What am i thinking, staying here with this man I once called a father who was caring and now to be a pure bastard drinking his life away and beating me senseless?  I didn't know what i should do at the time. I stayed in my room for a few days. Sometimes i had to deal with dad hitting me until i passed out. It didnt really matter to me then, I was feeling more than dead anyways. Days quickly past by me and soon enough it was just a few years later. I Just kept thinking over what my sister told me. I was left unsure as to what i should even do, fearing the worst in both choices. I finally made a decision, I picked up the bag my sister handed me years ago and started packing up my stuff. I then waited till it was 2 in the morning to sneak out and leave for once. I started getting things ready and stole the remaining cash from dads wallet he had out and managed to get. 

"Wherever I'm going I hope to find my sister and be as far possible from this place. Can't believe I didn't go with her when i had the chance." 

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DATE: 04/08/2013 22:53:11 / MOOD: bored

 Note to everyone this is my first piece of writing and i know i have a few flaws here and there but all i can say is that i hope you guys enjoy this as of i'm barely picking up on writing again. do please share any kind of feedback whether its to perfect my writing and or what you think of it. Thank you and hope to read your thoughts on this as to what i have so far. 

 Lorna,a runaway youth, who had become as family to a group of punks in LA, faces many dangers and past problems haunting her. Life has never been an easy road for runaways, punks and disenfranchised youth anywhere. As Lorna starts to get to know her peers and the new environment, she gets exposed to what will change her life forever and in hopes of finding her lost sister.

Chapter 1

"Mom, if only you didn't had to go so soon. Dad's been getting out of control lately and I don't know how I will get through. He's been beating me and Meryl close to death, drinking quite constantly and Meryl once was about to chuck a hammer to his head so he'd shut up and stop swearing at us. I stopped her before she even did." I started walking back to the house after a couple or more hours and just talked to myself the entire time I was out.

I looked at the house that once stood in a nice white color and flowers surrounding the place, grass were a nice shade of green, now it's just pure trash with broken glass windows covered with plastic. Why was I even staying here with an abusive drunk ass dad anyway?

I got to the house and snuck in through my room window trying to not make as much noise. It was quite warm inside. I went straight to my bed and just stared at my walls with all the photos, writings and random drawings that had been left behind from old friends I never heard of after mom's death. I couldn't help but smile for a bit remembering the crazy things I did as a kid when things were just plain and simple. I grabbed the blankets next to me and fell asleep thinking of those great days I had.

"Lorna get the fuck out of bed,wake up your sister and make breakfast!" dad yelled as he threw the empty bottle of whiskey at my room door.

I got up as quickly as I could before he could even lay a hand on me. I glanced at the clock and noticed it was only 4 am. Quickly I changed into my clothes and ran to Meryl's door.

"Meryl get up, hurry" I kept banging at the door so she would get up.

"Just leave me alone Lorna, I'm tired. Just want some sleep!"

"But.." I was then pushed aside hitting the wall by dad's arm.

"Meryl, get your lazy ass off the bed and get out here right now!" Dad yelled with a booming voice that gave a smell of hard liqour around me.

"Fuck no, just go the fuck away old man!" Meryl yelled as she threw things at the door trying to scare dad away.

"You fucken bitch. Get out here right now or i'll beat this door down and get you myself!" Dad kept banging at the door.I tried to get out of the way as much as possible without having dad hit me.

"Fine! Go for it bastard!"

"No one calls me a bastard here,you hear me!"

"Why the fuck not?! You just sit there doing nothing but drink your liquor all the time and beat the shit out of us."

" 'Cause you guys are a bunch of lazy twats doing nothing all day!"

I couldn't stand listeining to dad and Meryl yelling at each other. Wished i could do something without getting hit. I just went to the kitchen and grabbed what i could to make breakfast. Just then i hear the door being broke in and Meryl yelling at the top of her lungs.

"Leave me the fuck alone dad and don't you dare put your damn fingers on me!" Myrel yelled as i heard things being thrown everywhere in her room.

"Meryl, get over here now!"

"No!"

I then hear something heavy fall to the ground making a loud thump on the floor. I ran into the the room to see what happened. I couldn't believe what i saw, I was left in shock at what dad was doing to Meryl. He was choking her and making her turn purple.

"Dad leave Meryl alone please you're going to kill her!" I yelled desperately trying to figure out what to do since dad cut out the phone line.

"Go away you bitch!" dad yelled at me bringing fear in me.

I couldn't do anything, seeing her getting killed by my own dad. I just felt really angry and frustrated that i couldn't do anything but i snapped and everything went black.

"Lorna? please you better not be gone too" I heard Meryls voice and I slightly opened my eyes.

"What happened?"

"You knocked out dad with a bottle at his head. He's unconcious for now but I don't know for how long. Lorna you saved me when he was already close to taking my life away.."

Meryl then hugged me tight and thanking me for doing so.I looked beside me seeing dads body on the floor still breathing but not getting up as well as the broken whiskey bottle next to him.

"Lorna I can't take this anymore, I'm just going to leave and you should come with me." Meryl got up and quickly started packing up her bag.

"I'm not leaving.."

"What?! Why not Lorna? He'll beat you to death or worse than what he was bound to do to me!"

"I'm not, I'll be okay here. Don't worry about me alright?"

"No! Come on you need to leave with me too" Meryl threw an empty bag at me to pack up as well.

"I'm not going Meryl, you're welcome i saved you but i am not going anywhere at all. Whats a 13 year old going to do outside with no where to go?"

"I don't know but you will be safe than staying here. Better to be safe than sorry Lorna but if thats what you want then i'll leave you here on your death place"Meryl finished packing up and headed towards the door. She then stopped and looked back at me in dissapointment.

"Lorna I dont know where i'm to go but if you come out looking for me one day I'll be waiting where ever I am...goodluck staying in hell"

She walked out towards the main door and slams the door before I could even say anything. I went to the window and saw her walking away into the rising sun until i saw her no more. I stood there looking out and not knowing how i should even feel at all. Already lost my mother and now my own sister. What am i thinking, staying here with this man I once called a father who was caring and now to be a pure bastard drinking his life away and beating me senseless? I didn't know what i should do at the time. I stayed in my room for a few days baracaded my room with the heavy furniture i had so dad couldnt get in at all especially through the window and got as many supplies to eat and survive in the room. Sometimes i had to sneak in the house again to get food and water without dad being awake and drunk.

Days became weeks,then months to years. I Just kept thinking over what my sister told me. I was left unsure as to what i should even do fearing the worst in both choices. I finally made a decission, I picked up the bag my sister handed me and started packing up my stuff. I then waited till it was 2 in the morning to sneak out and leave for once. I started getting things ready and stole the remaining cash from dads wallet he had out and managed to get.

"Wherever I'm going I hope to find my sister and be as far possible from this place. Can't believe I didn't go with her when i had the chance."

It was already 2 and I started to sneak out the window. I threw my bag out first and carefully tried getting out. Managing to sneak out like this was quite easy though hopefully dad was passed out drunk this time. To my luck he was and I just started to walk away from where I was to be happy but looking at this place now I was glad i made the decission to leave this hell. I was sure mom was happy I decided to leave and look for my sister. I kept walking for about 4 hours and arrived near train tracks, to my luck I saw a train coming from a far.

"I should manage to get on the train, but how if its not to slow down but keep going?"

I kept going near the train tracks as the train was already near. Just to think of how much a risk i'm making made me even think of how i'm to get on there at last. The train got closer and closer and I felt a rush of adrenalin all over me and it just felt so great. The weather was great,the sun was out and I forgot how it felt to be happy for once and to be free out of misery. Just the the train rushed right pass me blowing wind right through my hair, but i got back to my sense and get up on the train. I saw an opened frieght a few carts behind on the train and decided that i would somehow hop in even if I broke an arm doing so.

The train was already moving past me bringing excitement and a smile to my face. I was already running to the side of the train to get in and see where it might take me. I held out my arm trying to get ahold of the freight and suddenly someone grabbed my hand and pulled me.

"Shit!"

"Hey dont be swearin' kid, least you got in. Where you to be heading to?" Stranger asked as he sat down to the dark end of the freight where i couldn't see his face and only to hear my heart beating rapidly.

"I dont know but thank you sir for helping me." I said nervously trying to catch my breath from running.

"No problem and you must be one of them runaways then" Stranger laughed

"Yeah... how long have you been on here?"

"Just a couple of weeks"

"I see..." I sat down on the other end of the freight and just just looked out to see the view.

"Yeah,I've traveled to many places and still do. Its been already 12 years now that I've been out and about. Seen a lot out in the road and need I remind you to be careful out there cause you're how old exactly?" The stranger asked curiously.

"I'm just 16 about to turn 17 in a week now, sir"

"I see,well hey you have to be careful if you are going to be out and about, especally a young girl like yourself. There are people out there who can do you harm and not in a good way either. Just be careful where ever you go." The stranger said seriously and I felt a shiver up my spine.

What was i getting into? should I have stayed at home and deal with dads drunk ass or out here in a place so unknown. Well its too late already i'm on the train and i'm miles from home now, where am I to end up, I dont know. All I knew was that i had one hell of an adventure to deal with now and go through but it will be worth it to find my sister. I sat there wondering where I was heading to but I felt great beyond belief. It was as if I were in a dream where I would never wake up. This smile on my face was just really getting to me and I couldn't help but scream, laugh and cry of joy which startled the stranger on the other end thinking I was on drugs or something.

"You are quite happy kid?" the stranger sounded worried.

"Yes I am quite happ, I just never felt so alive in my life and it just feels great. I'm free!" I yelled excitedly.

The stranger laughed as I started to hear music coming from his end and I was surprised. It was the stranger singing and playing the guitar and thought he had a music device or something producing music. All I heard were the words of being free from such misery and how great it felt to be happy. Days past by and suddenly the train started to slow down. I didn't know for how long i was traveling but it seemed to come to an end now.

"Quick kid, you got to get out before it completely stops or you'll deal with authority!"

The stranger got up and got near the opening of the freight, it was dusk by now. All I noticed was just a shadow standing there waiting to see when to jump. I was nervous and wondered what to do after the stranger told me to get of right away.

"Come on kid, you have to leave now before the train arrives at the station." The stranger waved his hands at me.

" Alright then" I said as i got up quickly getting my bag.

I went to the opening of the freight and stared at the ground seeing how fast the train was going. I was scared to know if I would make it jumping off a moving train. This was by far the craziest thing I've done so far. I am one crazy bitch for even juming into a train with a stranger. I laughed nervously and couldn't help but laugh about the siuation, suddenly i'm pushed off the train into bushes and grass. I got lucky i didnt break a leg though I did get bruised

"Fuck! That was not how I was thinking of getting off the train at all. Now what?" I got up and looked around to see where I was.

The only thing I saw was just an empty dirt path ahead of me. I started walking to see how far I would get. Still no sign of anything but plants and a hot sun rising behind me and my shadow folling ahead of me. Least I didn't feel fear like I did a while ago when I left home and ended up on the train."Don't know where i'm going but I will get somewhere sometime today." 

Chapter  2

 Walking through empty dirt roads, tired, thirsty and hungry carrying my backpack filled with clothes and belongings in hopes of hitching up a ride. I look back to see if there's any cars on the road heading my direction. Just then I see a car from a distance heading towards my way. "I better get a ride, I really hope to get a ride this time unlike the bastard who flipped me off a while ago." I held out my arm giving the hitch hikers thumb in hopes the driver would stop and give me a ride. The car starts getting closer, leaving a dust cloud behind. As the car gets nearer it starts to slow down and i could see the drivers figure. I was astonished to see who the driver was. A young woman with bright dark blue hair as of a tropical birds feathers, she had quite a few piercings on her ear, a tattoo on the lower back of her ear of two safety pins that formed the letters L and A. "hopefully she won't flip me off and drive off like the other driver before her" I ran up to the car as the window was rolled down.

"Hop in kid, where are you headed to? I'll take you" the stranger kindly opened the door allowing me in and before i did I stood there thinking if I should or shouldn't get in risking the dangers that could happen, but I was too tired and felt like passing out because of the lack of food and water these past weeks I have been traveling.

"Anywhere but here please, thanks" I got into the car noticing the poorly treated vehicle with worn and torn out seats, the dashboard was full of graphite with skulls and names I have never heard of before reading death and chaos. I started to get worried but i needed to get somewhere where i could get food, water and probably sleep at.

"So where are you headed to kid? looks like you need some water and food, here you go and there should be a bag beneath your feet with food if you're hungry." She handed me the bottle of water noticing that i was really dehydrated.

"Thanks, I honestly don't know where I'm headed to and I don't know where I am exactly. I'm from a small town in New Mexico" I tried to avoid staring at the stranger who had a unique style ive never seen before. I was bewildered by her look, instead i looked out the window and stared off at the horizon as the sun was about to go down into a sunset.

"Wow, what are you doing all the way out here kid? You're in California just a few hours from the city of angels. Are you a runaway, squatter or just visiting a relative? by the way I'm Jess and you are?"

"My name is Lorna and I guess you could say I'm a runaway. I don't have relatives out here at all either. Just dont know where I'm going at all" I opened the bottle and chugged all the water. I tried to not stare as much at her hair and just the way she looked.

"I see, well nice to meet you Lorna. You've never seen anyone like me before have you?" she chuckled as she noticed I was staring at her curiously.

I nervously replied thinking she was going to throw me out the car "umm no...I've never seen anyone like you where I'm from actually. Sorry for staring at you."I looked away and I started to realize that my stomach was growling and i needed food, so i reached down for the bag that Jess told me it had food in. I suddenly felt something nibble at my finger.

"Fuck! There's something under the seat!" at that moment a small black and white rat crawls out climbing up Jess's leg."Shit! Get that thing away from me!" I shrieked startling the rodent.

Jess laughed and stared at me curiously "It's alright, don't worry it's just my best buddy Siouxsie. She's a nice critter who loves people. Are you afraid of rats?"She picked up her rat and put her on her shoulder.

"I'm not afraid of them...I just don't like them and to me they are considered pests" I ended up getting goose bumps just staring at that thing on her shoulder.

"Aww but they are friendly creatures and need love. Not hate because they are seen as pests when they just want to survive. But I'll keep her away from you when we get to L.A. speaking of which, do you even have a place to stay?"

"Yeeah, I just don't like them and no I don't have a place to stay..."I got a bit jittery and my palms were sweating quite a bit after the small scare with the rodent.

"Well hey you're in luck, you can crash with me and my friends for as long as you want 'till you figure out where you're headed from here. Is that alright with you? "Jess looked over to me and smiled.

"Thanks I appreciate it, though i guess I'll just stay for a night and move on from there "I felt glad I didn't refuse the ride or else I would've still been out there and passed out getting eaten by wild animals out there or something.

"Alright then Lorna. Just make yourself feel at home when we get there and don't be startled by everyone there they are all nice people. They may seem vicious and what not but you'll like being around them. Do you drink by any chance? like beer or whiskey?" Jess smiled and waited for my answer.

"I've never had alcohol before honestly and I wouldn't want to try it either" I blanked out for a bit.

"Get off you're lazy ass Lorna! Pick up the broken bottles and make food you lazy bitch!" Dad chugged the bottle of whiskey and threw it across the room, making me flinch and quickly did as he said.

"I wish mom was still around" I said under my breath as tears came down my eyes.

"You better not be crying Lorna! I told you to not cry at all." Dad started throwing things around and swearing like a sailor. I stayed quiet trying to keep myself from crying even more. Ever since mom past away when I was 13,dad had been drinking and smoking constantly than he'd done before. Wish things were okay and my older sister just ranaway and never heard from her again after dad almost strangled her to death a couple weeks ago.

"Lorna are you okay? Lorna!" Jess yelled getting me out of my trance realizing she was trying to get my attention for a while now.

"Sorry I was just thinking and yeah i'm okay....so what were you saying Jess?" I looked down and tried to keep tears running out of my eyes.

"Alright Lorna...and I was asking what do you normally like to do in your free time?"

"oh, and umm..I read and write alot in my free time thats about it, rarely have I been able to get out."I looked down and out towards the street just staring off seeing the first few lights of the city. I have never seen such a sight like this before and I was amazed at what i was seeing.

"Thats very interesting Lorna, I kind of do the same but with music and art. Pretty much I like to sketch and do photography alot especially at shows and we are almost arriving to L.A.Have you been to a show before?"

"Umm no I havent been to a show before at all.What is it like?" I was curious to know what she meant by a show. In my head i thought of like a movie show or theatre acts of some sort like Rocky Horror.

"Really?! Oh you must go with me and my friends to one tomorrow, we'll pay your entrance fee" Jess was excited to tell me more.

"You don't have to and i dont want to be a bother as well either" I said nervously turning down the offer.

"Aww alright but hey the offer will still be there kid, so dont hesitate to say you are wanting to go alright.I mean they are fun to go to honestly, the shows ive been to just get me pumped up with adrenaline,bands around here are pretty good. Last one i went to was for Agent Orange, that night was freaken awesome. Well we're here now, at the city of angels" Jess smiled and laughed.

I looked and saw many tall buildings, art on every piece of wall near alleyways. Noticed people who were without a home and seemed like they haven't bathed in months or have eaten at all. Noticed people in nice suits and clothing that seemed to have cost hundreds of dollars. To know I was far from home and being in the unknown just made me glad I'm not near of dads crap and he won't be able to hurt me now.

I wasn't expecting to come a long way just to get away,be free and

find my sister. I couldnt help but smile so much in relief, the same feelings i had on the frieght train came up again and i couldnt help but smile and laugh so much in pure happiness.

"what are you all up and so happy about Lorna?" Jess gave me this confused yet glad your okay look.

I stopped laughing and smiling when Jess asked her question. I was not sure what to answer her question with. Should i tell her exactly why i was like this for the moment or just keep it to myself. Would she laugh or say mean things to me for being a coward and leaving my dad alone? I kept thinking as to what to do. Palms were getting sweaty and i was getting anxious.

"Are you alright Lorna?do you need us to stop somewhere and have some fresh air?" Jess was then getting concerned as to how I was getting.

"No, I'm fine just kind of got myself thinking that's all." I looked away and just tried to not break into tears.

" Is there something you want to talk about and need someone to listen to you? I'll be glad to give you an ear if you need it." Jess looked at me in concern and as if she knew what was troubling me.

"Thank you, I...I just..." I started to choke up in between words and started crying.

Just then i feel the car being pulled over to a complete stop and silence. I looked over to Jess and she gave me a hug. I couldn't contain all my tears then.

"I should've left when i had the chance, i shouldn't have let her go on her own without me knowing she cared a lot and wanted me to be safe...I...I..it was my fault...I caused everything....dad being a drunk and hurting both me and Meryl...." I just continued crying and mumbling all i had blocked inside. Jess held me and kept hugging me.

"Its alright Lorna, look you are safe now and I'm sure you'll find your sister soon. Don't worry, things are at a new start for you. I'll help you out if you want me to." Jess softly said in my ear making me cool down and stop crying, reflecting over what good I've done.

"I'm sorry, I..just..I don't know...wish my mother was still around or else..."

"You wouldn't be out here at all and would still be at home..."

We both stayed quiet, I turned my head down not knowing what to say but feeling scared. Scared enough to not move anywhere else beyond this point. I stared out at the vast view of the city, gas station across the street where we parked and a couple of cops passing us by. It was quite cold and Siouxsie was walking around on the dashboard minding its own buisness. Jess stayed quiet and waited for me to reply. Drenched in tears on my face, I grabbed my bag and took out the bandana I had inside to wipe my face off. I had no clue what to say but to stay silent as I felt words being stopped from comming out of my mouth and held in at my throat.

"So what do you want to do from here Lorna?"

"I don't know but i just want some rest, I've had a long day..."

Jess turned on the car and put on some music so it would'nt be a quiet ride to where we were going, never have I heard such raging music that seemed to be talking about my life story in a way, all the words that had been sung struck me in ways i never felt. What was this exactly? It was upbeat and fascinating with such a raw voice.

 Chapter 3

 I could'nt believe how far I have traveled, guess I really meant what I said, to be as far as possible from home. Glad I was to be gone from hell but now I face another hell, finding a home and my sister. Street by street I saw such structures and art around, from office buildings to old looking apartment buildings which seemed deserted and not taken care of properly with a lot of damage and graphiti on the walls and windows. Finally we turn into a nieghborhood street.

"Where exactly could she even be? I haven't got a clue where to start but guess I'll start from here, no where to really get to but its a start." I whispered to myself as we drove into the street where lights were dim and all i could spot out was trash bins tipped over with everything spilling out. There was graphiti everywhere and abandoned houses that had vines covering a portion of the house through the broken windows. We appraoched a driveway with a wooden fence with graphiti of the same symbols from the dashboard and a huge letter A on it in red with the letters C.A.B. next to it.

"We are finally home Lorna" Jess got her bag from the back seat and carefully got Siouxsie and put her inside her jacket. I got out the car and stumbled over a rug that was left on the floor nearly falling. We both started walking up towards the wooden fence with drawings all over. As we got closer to the fence i noticed a few similar symbols from the dashboard in Jess's car.

"Why is there a lot of graphiti on the fence Jess?" I looked at the symbols and drawings curiously to figure out what they all mean but i had no clue what i was actually looking at. The one that caught my attention was the A symbol with a circle around it.

"Those are all just band names and song titles. The A.C.A.B. stands for all cops are bastards,a good song from the 4 Skins. The A you are looking at is the anarchy symbol. Cops aren't really fond of driving past here but we have not done wrong to them, though they did beat down one of our friends who was sent to the hospital by one of the pigs just because he looked suspicious and thought he was hiding drugs or something. Main point here, we're just politically expressive so don't worry, nothing will happen to you and we will all make sure of that." Jess smiled at me as she unlocked the chain to the fence.

"That is interesting and alright, I shall not worry though I am kind of nervous to meet your friends." I got really tense and started sweating bullets as we managed to open the fence and walked through, approaching the door.

"Don't worry Lorna, they're are friendly people. Not much to be afraid of though they do tend to be sarcastic at times but hey I have your back if any of them bother you alright?" Jess chuckled and got the keys to unlock the door, I was less nervous after.

"Hey Jess! Good to see you here again it's been so long!" one of Jess's friends came rushing towards her and hugged her as Jess was losing somewhat of balance after the impact.

"It's good to see you again Matt but it I've only been gone a couple days" Jess laughed as she hugged back her friend Matt.

I couldn't help but stare at Matt's wild and vibrant dark green hair put up like a shark's fin or some kind of fan over his head. He also had this jacket with a bunch of spikes on the shoulder about 3 inches high, some patches with the same names and logos i saw on the dashboard as well as the wooden fence outside.

"I know but it just seemed like forever. Who's your friend Jess?" he extended his hand to greet me.

"Oh, this is Lorna. Lorna this is my friend Matt. She has traveled quite far and saw her trying to get a ride out in the open so offered her a ride and place to stay" Jess excitedly told Matt.

"Umm hi.." I shook Matt's hand.

"Nice to meet you. You seem quite nervous Lorna." Matt chuckled as he noticed my sweaty hands and cherry red face.

"Yeah, sorry, I'm just not.."

"Not used to seeing people like us? Its alright, don't worry. I don't bite and hey make yourself feel at home. Want a beer or something?" Matt interrupted and laughed as he went to the kitchen to get me something.

"Yeaah...and no thank you,i don't drink at all. I have my reasons, though water would be fine" i nervously walked towards the couch to sit down.

"Alright then, I'll get you a glass of water. Where are you from exactly Lorna?"

"Thanks and I'm from a small town in New Mexico..."

"what?! Wow, you've traveled far, how old are you anyway?" Matt was astonished to know more and rushed to the living room to hear more as he handed me the cup of, water.

" yeah i have traveled far. I'm 16 actually. " i took a small sip of water.

"i thought you were 18 Lorna" Jess looked at me in disbelief of my age.

"no I'm not 18, I'm about to turn 17 a month from now."

"So what brings you out here to L.A.?" Matt curiously looked at me like he knew something.

" I just wanted to leave home, try out something new that's all." I looked down at my worn out shoes.

" I see, so your just a runaway then, right?" Matt asked knowing I left for another reason.

"yeah..." I kept avoiding eye contact with Matt.

"Alright, I'll be back. Going to get you some blankets while Jess finds you a spot to sleep.You must be really tired from that long journy you've had to get here." Matt got up and headed towards the hall way.

"Come on Lorna, let's find you a spot here. Sorry if the place seems like a mess, usually this place is packed with other people looking for a place to sleep. Your lucky its just me and Matt for now, I'm sure a couple more people will be here.".

"Thanks"  

Jess showed me through out the place. I walked behind Jess trying not to break anything on the floor.It was quite a mess alright, flyers, beer bottles, clothes, spray paints, and food wrappers all over the furniture and floor. Reminded me of how home was when dad went in rage throwing things around and breaking things.

"here you go Lorna a couple blankets to keep warm. If you need anything you can ask either me or Jess. Please enjoy your stay. " Matt smiled and handed me the blankets.

"Thanks for letting me stay, I really appreciate it." I smiled back and got the blankets.

"Don't worry, anything to help out anyone. You can stay as long as you want and have either of us show you around so you wouldn't get lost and know where to go."Matt smiled and Jess agreed with him.

"Thanks you guys, well i'm just going to crash now. I'm really exhausted from this long trip." I yawned as i was stumbling upon a jacket on the floor nearly making me fall.

"Alright just be careful not to fall. See you in the morning Lorna, goodnight." Jess and Matt laughed as they went to the living room.

I couldn't help to feel quite nervous and wondering what to do now since I ended up at the end of the countries land. Hell, a place I didn't know at all and stuck at this place with complete kind strangers and lucky i wasnt one of those people to have had something bad happen to them on their road going to who knows where, to who knows what. I was glad i ended up in a place to sleep but where am I to go after, should I stay and have Jess help me out like she said she would or go on my own like I always have. Missed having people around to talk to instead of a drunk dad and a fucked up sister who I looked up to because she didnt fear anyone that much, though she had gotten herself in much trouble than what I had expected of her.

"Hey, leave those there. Dad will get mad if you take one of his cigarettes Meryl. He'll beat you if you take some and I dont want you to get hurt" I softly told my sister while I was anxious that dad would wake up to get another beer from the fridge at any moment.

"He's not going to find out Lorna, don't worry alright i'm just going to get one to see what it feels like to smoke" Meryl smiled at me giving me a sinister grin.Meryl grabbed the pack of cigarettes and opened the box exposing just a few cigarettes left in the box. Dad barely got the pack, though he sure does smoke a hell lot to have it almost empty now."Come on Meryl just leave them, I dont want you smoking either sis." "Well its only just one Lorna, nothing bad is going to happen alright. Trust me."

Meryl took two cigarattes from the pack and we both sneaked in to Meryls room. She then closed and locked the door and grabbed a small pack of matches she hid underneath her bed. As she took the cigarette and was about to light it up we hear dads footsteps in the hallway. My heart sank in and Meryl hid the cigarettes in one of her books in which she made a small compartment to hide things in. The footsteps kept getting louder as he was getting closer. My heart started beating faster than usual and Meryl went to sit down on her bed and wait for dad to leave with his beer and get drunk as well pass out again in his room like always. Just then I hear a loud banging at the door and I was sweating in fear to what could've happen now. The door slams open scaring me and waking me up from a bad dream. I got up quickly while holding the blanket and only to realize that the door was shut all along. I was sweating alot after that scare but I calmed myself down and just watched the clock till I passed out to sleep.

 Chapter 4

 I opened my eyes facing the cieling fan, everything was quiet and no one was up yet. I turned towards the clock and it was barely five in the morning. Tired,exhausted and hungry with no energy as I had then,what else could possibly be more than this? I got up and folded up the blankets. As I was barely walking out the door I realized a picture with a familiar face in a distance behind Jess's friends or who ever they were walking away. My heart stopped "could it be?!" I thought.  

"I doubt it could be Meryl, there's no way it could be her just someone that looks like her."

Quickly grabbing my things I decided to look for Jess. The house sure did sound a little too quiet but there was a faint sound of music coming from the garage. Passing through the hallway out to the living room I noticed Matt sleeping on the couch but no Jess in sight.  

The closer I got to the garage,the music got a bit louder. As I reached the door I nervously didn't know if i should even knock or wait until everyone is awake. Just as I was about to turn around the garage door opens and was startled by who it was. Jess was standing before me and looked like she was thrown about wildly.

"Oh,hey Lorna, what are you doing up so early?"

"I...I..just woke up and decided to look for you."

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah,everything is fine...I...I'm just slightly hungry." 

"You and me both, but hey lets go get food. Just let me put on my shoes and we'll get some coffee or something." Jess chuckled as she yawned.  

"Alright, I'll wait" I gave Jess a small smile as she hugged me and quickly went to get her shoes.

I looked around and noticed how artsy the walls are and wondered why I didn't realize it last night. Then again i was tired,shy, and about to pass out to sleep. There were posters and flyers all over the walls, as well photographs of people with wild looking hair,peircings and tattoos. I started liking this new life I stumbled upon.  

"Alright lets go Lorna!"

"Okay"

Jess rushed out the door excitedly as I chuckled. I couldn't help but I was smiling and actually feeling great for once. We got into the car and drove off. The sun was barely up and I felt the nice warmth on my skin.

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DATE: 04/02/2013 20:16:02 / MOOD: other

Not too long ago was I asked a simple question from a 7 year old at work and i had no clue what to say to this kid at all. He simply asked me "Hey Miss V., why is it that we find things we like to do or something, but after time we just stop? kind of like my mom and dad,they used to like working and talking to us but now they just don't seem to care." I didn't know what to tell this kid at all but made me think of a lot of things around me. Some as well from my situations and looked back on those things as well. He then asked " Do you like working at your job or love doing the things you do now? Are you happy?" So I responded as anyone else would and kind of lied about things as well. What was there to say to a kid that young,barely seeing reality of life and how it functions? "Yeah, I love working my jobs I have now and the things i do as well. Most of the time I'm more than happy to go to work and play around with you guys or help with hw" The child then smiled and asked me to help with his hw. I felt bad as i lied to this kid.Of course I'm not as happy to be in my jobs but its what i have to live and pay for neccessities and goal I'm currently working on. without it I'm just out in the streets or worse. I pushed myself out to be okay and not deal with crap like i used to especially for a person who just cares too much for anyone that I'd give up everything and possibly my own life if i had to just to let someone else live rather than me. I know it just doesn't seem right to think that way, but i guess that makes me human. I came to the point where i thought to myself "where am I in life right now at this moment and do i even enjoy or accomplished what i wanted that quickly? what else is there for me to look forward to? aside of my business I'm to open in a year or two." I kept thinking but guess the answers came by quickly that i just didn't know what else to do. Yeah I'm dealing with a few things but it will eventually pass. I'm barely quitting smoking constantly and have been getting myself to be healthier. Not easy but it's worth the try. Found my actual friends but rarely do i hear from them or hang out with because of distance. I got my name out again in a play that was talked about in the OC weekly. Will soon buy my grandfather's engraved plaque for his resting place which needs one soon,so it would be easier to find next visits i make. Wrote a hell of a lot of songs with a friend and now i have a band. Yet i don't feel satisfied at all yet. doubt i will but i have accomlished a lot. Only thing left is money and loans to open my business and school. though question is,will i be satisfied with that?...

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DATE: 03/27/2013 19:15:59 / MOOD: other

So my goal is to open up a venue here in orange county, though its still a lot of planning but i am really positive of reaching this goal and very passionate about it. I still have a lot to learn since i know it wont be easy at first but i know i can do this. Took me a while to know what i want to do with my life and find the right risks to take but I'm glad my parents are supporting me on something i didn't think they would.

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DATE: 03/24/2013 23:19:13 / MOOD: lonely

Days have gone by and haven't had sleep as much. Too much on my mind. I don't mind the events going on in my family but i do mind when when i just can't rest peacefully. Its been so long since i have been able to but i just can't seem to stop thinking of my ex and just wishing to be with her right now. Telling her the things I'd say constantly but it all just means nothing now. I was fool, a fool to have fallen for her. Now i pay the consequences, my friend told me to forget everything and that she'll make me happy like my ex did but turned her away. I knew she was right but i didn't want to believe anyways mainly because how i think most of the times and it just doesn't seem right to be as fucked up to someone you called your friend while thinking of someone you loved and still do. I might be wrong in a lot of things but i just don't want to have these constant reminders,memories,wishes,thoughts, wants and just be all sad about all this crap i have piled up in my mind and souli turned to alcohol,cigarettes and pot but it onlymasks the true feeling. I almost killed myself for making myself too occupied with three jobs and overworking.myself to keep busy but that wasn't the answer.where do i turn from here when everything is just downhill from here and i just can't stop thinking about her.

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DATE: 02/21/2013 17:46:45 / MOOD: in love

Here's the link to my writings and stuff I've been currently writing. Thank you to those who had the time to check it my page http://www.facebook.com/pages/ADAmethyst/420661704675446

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DATE: 02/07/2013 18:33:03 / MOOD: other

 

Enemy Within

There are times when anger can get the best of us, when we say things we later regret, or do things we cannot undo, many of us will justify our anger by the actions of others, yet this shifting of blame only keeps One fooled. What really justifies anger? Only our own thoughts, which are just the fleeting memories of the past. Look around you, look at the trees blow with the wind, look at the sun and the clouds go across the sky without effort...show me, where is the past? Looking closer at nature reveals that IT is only a creation within our own mind. The past is nothing more then like the wake of a ship, the past does not define us, who we ARE today is what defines us. Letting go of our past allows us to live in the present moment, as true reality IS before you, not in the echos of our memory. Sure people can do us wrong, and its not that we overlook this, but looking closer to how we react is what should draw our focus. Are we conscious or are we run by impulse? Looking directly at our anger reveals this answer within us. So we can SEE that even anger can BE a tool for spiritual development, for as they say the first rule to deeper understanding, is to Know Thyself! When we can realize that, our anger dissolves like the sunset, as it is only our 'choices' and not the anger that determines our fate

Tranquility

Inner peace arises when the illusion of separation dissolves and the spectrum of BEing is discovered, for as they say, that which we dislike in others or call evil in this world, is truly only a extension of our-self which we do not fully recognize or understand. Looking at the forces of nature, the waves crash, the sun rises and sets, the wind blows and shakes the trees as it loses its leaves, the clouds continue to blow across the sky whether we notice IT or not, and all of that IS a extension of our BEing. Just as we grow our hair and color the iris in our eyes, all we see IS emanating from our true inner core spirit of BEing, which is the Real YOU which shines the sun and blues the sky. The One who can FEEL the harmony that flows through the chaos of nature, instantly discovers that all IS right in the world

Self Judgement

There are forces within us that are conscious and unconscious, sometimes they lead us to expansion, sometimes they lead us to decay. It is easy to proclaim that we are good and not evil, but just as we cannot proclaim sunny skies when it's a rainy day, It is not about admitting that One is evil or does evil, its all about 'looking' at the currents that flow within us all. Without carrying this deeper understanding and insight, the anger and judgment that arises within each and every-one of us will only get in our way along the path we walk, and this is what steers us from our expansion and leads us towards the spiral of decay. So we should look closer the next time hatred and judgment comes from our thoughts and expresses through our mouths, as these are the same currents which cause great pain throughout the worlds heart. Shedding our light unto our own inner darkness is how we return the inner and outer world back onto the path of expansion, just as the founder of analytical psychology Carl Jung once said, '"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate" 

 

What Makes Us Human?

we are the wandering souls... the volunteers.... we are the ones who visit other stars and star systems in their hour of greatest need.... we dabble sunshine wherever we go... and sprinkle stardust on all those whose lives we touch....  so often we end up being the wounded healers, for we tend to open our hearts.... we cannot bear to see other’s suffering, yet so very often end up suffering ourselves.... yet, strangely, it through our own wounds that we heal others.... we often gaze upon this planet, in great puzzlement.... we simply cannot understand why people want to fight.... or kill each other.... when two parties fight, we tend to caught in the middle, for somehow we always seem to see both sides of the coin.... we are the peace makers... the flower children... we love to frolic amongst nature... at home in the veldt.... we hug trees... we treasure flowers.... we tend to take time to run barefoot in the rain and simply soak up the wonderful art of beingness that nature provides in great abundant plentitude... we love to run with wolves.... and we pick up the stray cats and dogs.... indeed, the stray people too... we love animals with a passion and cannot bear to see injury done to them.... We tend to treat out pets as human beings and often love them more than we do the two-legged ones... we look at this whole planet and the way it is run, in great puzzlement .... we simply do not feel at home here... deep in the very recesses of our soul, we remember other, more evolved ways of living and the sheer art to SHINE.... we are the lightbearers and the warriors of light.... we are the ones that stem from way before time... we are more than we ever let on... we simply KNOW more...... yet, seldom we share what is there with just anyone.... we are the sensitives... we FEEL... we SEE with the eyes of the VISIONARY,we sense things.we read the invisible language of the cosmic masters,we are surrended by myriad beings of light and higher hierarchy of masters.  The world often calls us the FOOLS,the ones that simply do not fit into the norm.Then we smile and carry on walking the path of the fool, for the fool’s path always leads to wisdom and insight. It is the path of initiation into the higher states of consciousness and few have the guts to survive.We are the wanderers,the volunteers, we are the angels in disguise,we are love.

Harmony Within Chaos

Just as the wise owl sits in the tree, the more it sees the less it speaks, the less it speaks the more it hears, yet very few are like this wise old owl. We cannot deny that we are going through some dark times, but those strong with light will make it through this dark transition, for its not the ending of the outer world we should focus on, but a focus should be placed on the beginning towards a inner world connection. There is a apocalypse upon us, but this Greek word is not a ending, it only means a 'unveiling'. There is a polar shift occurring, but it is the individual shift that is being revealed. When we can awaken to the 'fact' that the outer world is but a inner world vision, we will awaken to the eternal universe within. We are in this vast universe, yet this vast universe is ALL within us, when we can fully understand this, the unity of humankind will appear. No longer are we fooled by false flag motivations, as we can see through the tears which are only meant to instill fears. No longer are we spellbound by the words of deceit and of the false, for the universe whispers ITs wisdom to the One who listens with the heart. This universal influence is always pushing, after having this Divine Moment of Truth, and something 'big' is a coming, but it is still beyond the event horizon. IT can be a struggle keeping the balance, as we are being tugged from many angles, but day by day, moment by moment, reaching for the best that is before our EYEs is what will restore the balance within our heart and planet. Let us begin to FEEL the harmony flowing within the chaos as we enter into this Shift of Ages, and soon One will begin to realize, that IT is YOU that the world has been waiting for 

Even in the Almighty

Even the mightiest god, started as a small seed, some are more like warriors, some are more like peace keepers, as long as you SEE evolution rising within, and not the decay of habits and routines, then One can become anything. As we walk the path of the pathless along our spiritual quest, many will have the intention of BEIng the best spirit they can express, but our intention is only the spark, for IT is our action which is the expression that truly defines us. Everyday we face choices which help us in our expansion or serve as platforms towards our decay. Stepping through fears is how we walk the path up the evolutionary ladder, as that is what life IS all about, growing through facing our most extreme moments. And these choices must BE made by YOU, or our unconscious will only keep us fooled. For we are like a ship on a vast blue ocean, if there is no captain on board we drift forever on the ocean currents, passengers only enjoy the scenery, but to reach a goal or destination does require YOUR steering. Looking closer at our daily choices, shows how our actions and non-actions create our reality. Just as every seed does not become a mighty tree without a direct relationship with the elements of nature, sometimes we have to return to our core essence to remember who we ARE and our place in nature. It is during our time alone that we can expand through self reflection, thus why monks and those on the inner path go to mountains or retreats to discover their inner mirror, as we sometimes need to get out of our minds to return to our senses, and remember what we ARE truly meant to BEcome

 

Inner Unconciousness

Everywhere we look, people are pointing fingers of blame, as we look for solutions to create a safer world for our children of today to grow and play. Yet closing the floodgates after a flood has already imposed its destruction, does nothing to improve our lives today. As the media exploits this tragedy to promote their hidden agenda of gun control, they are blind to the fact that it does nothing to promote awareness of the dis-ease that runs rampant in our land, and that IS unconsciousness! What would ever push someone to do such a atrocity? Only unconsciousness, the misidentification to 'thoughts' could only produce such a un-empathetic beast, often referred to as the ego. Yet any-One can also fall into a path of self destruction, as each of us carries these guiding inner whispers, pushing us to 'react' to emotions, most often without our knowing. They say that enlightenment comes to the One who can SEE through 'thoughts', and reconnects to the 'awareness' behind our thoughts, as a person who thinks about nothing but thoughts only lives in the past or dreams of the future, which is the realm of the ego, cutting themselves off from the present moment, which IS the awareness of the living universe. Blaming and judging others is only fear based emotions, as most of us forget the teaching of 'let he free of sin cast the first stone' and 'love your neighbor as your-self'! But by not facing our own fears, we are escaping from looking directly at the darkness, only allowing IT to grow stronger in the outer and within. Submitting to fears only breeds a weaker society, as we need to rise collectively and not allow the darkness to extinguish our spirits. Until we as a society can transform who we are within today, changes in laws and rules in the outer will only continue to breed more conflicts. What would be next, eliminating all the knives? Did we overlook the attack in China? Evil finds a way to destroy whether its by a gun, knives, sharp words or bare hands. How about throwing the bad parents in jail? Pointing the finger of blame is only escaping the work we all need to do within, without that, no change in the outer will eliminate the darkness that runs blindly in each and every One of us. Just as Carl Jung clearly pointed out, without understanding the 'archetypes', the energies which pulse through mankind, no change can occur in the outer. Until we come to terms with our own inner shadow collectively, inner peace will continue to elude those who seek it in their lives. Just as the tales told of the past, we must learn how to turn the beast from a enemy into a ally, then there can be harmony within, and no more laws in the outer would be necessary. Shadow work is our biggest challenge and fear to overcome as a society and as a individual, but we can return to the harmony as the Garden of Eden, dissolving our illusions by eating from the fruit of the tree of knowledge, and SEEing who we Really ARE within today

Labyrinth of Life

Just because the sun shines today, does not mean it will not rain tomorrow, just as no matter how Awake we may feel right now, does not mean we will not fall asleep later this evening. We cannot change the churning of the tides or the patterns of the weather, as higher order is at work within this lower chaos, and with this understanding brings inner clarity even in our darkest of days. As the turning of the seasons shows us that IT may have other plans in store for us, so IT would BE wise to just flow with the ride of these tidal forces. There are things which we can influence, and things which only happen to us, suffering only occurs when we try to control the 'happening' events that cross before us. Yet these happening events are still apart of our creation, just as our heart happens to beat without our conscious attention, as the extension of our being extends beyond the limits of our thinking mind. It is easy to let outer events influence our inner peace and happiness, as most of us view these events as separate from our BEing. But just as our heart beats as a extension of our being, so to do life events interconnect with us, for the purpose of serving as a platform for our expansion and decay. So look closer at that which we perceive as a negative experience, as we would not know of a positive experience without experiencing its opposite in full. We all know that everything continuously changes in our lives, yet many will still try to make predictions of sunny skies of tomorrow just like the weather, but as we all know the weather can change without giving us notice. Just like walking in a maze of life, we know that just one turn can lead us to a dead end, whereas another turn can lead us to our dreams and beyond. As the universe truly is a inner reflection of our current state of BEing and a result of the choices we make, both conscious and unconsciously. Focus on walking the inner and outer maze of Life with balance, by influencing the turns of choices we face daily, as only THAT can lead us beyond the illusions we create of today and tomorrow

Enlightenment

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but IT is really created when we live a life of not knowing what we really want, we let fears dictate our fate, when all along we have had the inner power of all the mystics, sages, and saints of the world. There is thought and there is consciousness, when we are silent IT speaks, when our thoughts speak IT is silent, learning this balance will take us far beyond our wildest imaginations. For the empowered spirit can Move Mountains, build temples and pyramids which last over 10,000 years, imagine what greatness we will co-create once we discover the power hidden within. The key to unlocking this mystery is not found in a 'method', for that puts our divine Awakening into some far off future, the only true enlightenment comes when we awaken in the present moment, and realize that the past is only a memory and the future is only a vision. When we can feel that in our bones, beyond just understanding the literal sense of the words, then we will know what a shift really means! The key to wisdom is recognition of patterns, think of our breath, as IT just goes on and on without a needing to focus on IT, but if we decided to switch our focus on our breath, suddenly IT flows how we wish to sway the currents. And we know IT is so, as we can FEEL that in our bones, it's a 'flip' of control, for that sensation of change is vivid and Real. Our Awakening or Enlightenment is no different, that 'flip' feeling IS what makes it feel real, as that moment arises when we realize that our thoughts do not define us. IT may be hard to see the harmony while in the chaos, but if One has ever been in a airplane, what we notice is the 'individual' gives way to the collective. From a higher view the smaller details are less important, as a higher order is clearly in motion. IT may be hard to grasp this, but if we looker closer at society and to those around us, are we really looking at conscious beings or is everyone just putting on a show? Showing slivers of the self to only a select few, but never revealing the true self in full. This is what these writings are here to do, to remind and inspire us not to forget that IT is better to FEEL the whole spectrum of self, rather than to just hide behind our fears and show only a sliver, for Awakening and Enlightenment IS all about transformation into an empowered being.

Our Other Eye

The past is only a memory, the future is only a vision, so look well into your present moment, for that IS the only place One will ever BE. To SEE the world without a judging mind, is to FEEL the magic that courses through our veins day and night, we cannot think back to a time in which we did not exist, just as we cannot remember the moment we enter into our dreams as we sleep. There are many mysteries we live with on a daily level that most of us only ignore, like the origins of thoughts, and the birth of our dreams and imaginations, which if examined closely allows One to discover the true meaning and purpose of our daily living. For all of these elements have One thing in common, as they ALL swirl from within the field of our consciousness. Who IS the creator of our dreams as we lay down to sleep? Where is this realm that we enter late at night? The place that can FEEL so real that we can awaken and carry over those emotions of fear and elation. Is it not all centered from within the field of our consciousness? Examining this process closely which emanates from our true core essence, is the process which reveals our world as a living mirror of reflection. Even when we have Awakened during the day and evening, our visions will always remain as a part of our creation and BEing, for all that we have thought of to be as 'I', has turned out to be 'EYE' in disguise all along

Seeing Our Potential

Catching a glimpse of your own greatness can be one of the most unsettling experiences imaginable. And even more disturbing is the awareness of the tremendous challenges that await you if you accept it. Living consciously is not an easy path, but it is a uniquely human experience, and it requires making the committed decision to permanently let go of that mouse within you. Going after your greatest and most ambitious dreams and experiencing failure and disappointment, running butt up against your most humbling human limitations instead of living with a comfortable padding of potential – these fears are common to us all. No matter how difficult it may seem, make the choice to live consciously. Do not succumb to that half-conscious realm of fear-based thinking, filling your life with distractions… Don’t die without embracing the daring adventure your life is meant to be. You may go broke. You may experience failure and rejection repeatedly. You may endure multiple dysfunctional relationships. But these are all milestones along the path of a life lived courageously. They are your private victories, carving a deeper space within you to be filled with an abundance of joy, happiness, and fulfillment. So go ahead and feel the fear – then summon the courage to follow your dreams anyway. That is strength undefeatable

Who Are We?

Humanity is a species with amnesia, we have not only lost touch with the true roots to BEing human, we have been deceived into believing in systems, religions, and values that go against the very nature of BEing human. Very few of us question the origins of current societies, or even the nature of our-self. We live as if we are only actors playing a role, yet as actors we are so far lost in our roles, we have lost All connection to our true inner Self, the You that is more Real then the person you 'think' or 'pretend' to BE. You ARE the One who shapes Your reality with language, and by your action and NON-action. You ARE the One who IS in full control of Your Life, which includes the good experiences and the bad. There is NO-One to blame for anything but You, as everything stems from our choices, and that IS the 'Birth of Responsibility'. We have forgotten to notice that just like in our dreams, most of our life is lead by our UNconsciousness. Only the One who shines a light on their own shadow of darkness, can ever get a glimpse of who they really ARE. We tend to focus on the figure and ignore the background, yet one does not arise without the other. The great mystery of life is not discovered in that which we do not Know, the great mystery lies in SEEing what we ignore.

Reality

When the inner and outer balance in Life is found, the words of the false are dissolved and our own inner truth guides us beyond. As they say, on the quest of discovering God, only the self can be found, and on the quest of discovering the self, only a god can be found, and IT really cannot be explained any more clearer then that! As clarity never arises in the outer when we do not even have clarity of our inner, which is the thing that is closest to us, yet that which is most ignored.  But life is not all mysticism and poems, as even scientific facts can be used to help us become fully conscious of our own darkness, for we cannot discover the mysteries of the universe or of the self through repeating words and calculations of others. Only when we apply the calculations and words into our everyday life, through the 'work' of raising our own inner consciousness, does the mystery unfold before us. Many of us do not even carry a understanding how our eyes work, as what we think of as vision of a outer world, is only a vision created within our own mind, thus why society drifts in a state of illusion. Our mind is a reflection of the outer, so without balancing the inner view with the outer view, the conscious with the unconscious, half the view in life is missing. And this shows us why half of life is missing from the equations of science, for no amount of calculations can produce the equations of consciousness that create love or hate within us, and that is just as real as the invisible world of quantum science.  We know that One can never talk themselves into seeing and feeling the words of the mystics just for this very reason, as most of us do not apply the every day 'work' of looking at the unconscious currents which flow throughout all of mankind, including within our-self. This is not pseudo-science of mysticism, but sanctioned science through psychology, for without applying the universal forces called 'archetypes' into the reflection of our inner and outer life, then One truly cannot know the self, regardless of self-proclamation. And we can see this every time we do things against what we perceive as our own nature, for some this unconscious force can be amplified by alcohol or pills, for others, 'reactions' come unconsciously by whatever experience that unfolds before us. A simple session with a psychologist will show us how they can label and characterize our impulses almost like 'psychics', for it is easy to see the unconscious at work in others, its a entirely different thing to see IT within our-self.  Science says that we are unconscious of our own unconsciousness and most of us live our life by unconscious impulse 90% of the time, if these words do not ring true, then one is not actually performing the calculations and doing the actual 'work' of the inner life. Without carrying that level of awareness, One can never know the true self in full, as when someone asks who we are, the only answer most can give is a name that was given to us, or we describe the roles in which we happen to fall into by chance. Yet none of which describes our true BEing, the Real You, the One who beats your heart, shapes the mountains, blues the sky, and shines the sun, all within the power of our own mind, this which is known to be a scientific fact!

Question

The mysteries of the universe are not discovered by repeating words and calculations, as those are only symbols, for regardless to how smart One may 'think' they are, the Universe is not to be confused for symbols, as none of that knowledge carries over into making our everyday life better. The point BEing is to eliminate a life of suffering, which is created through a life of clinging, for when we strip away the conditioned beliefs that limit us, our true immortal BEIng is revealed! One can see very clearly, that each night when we sleep, our ego turns off completely and our consciousness still continues, just as the medical records are littered with accounts of experiences of those who where brain dead and returned reporting experiences beyond our wildest imaginations. Death is only a concept for those who cling to their bodies, for those who have peeled away the dead skin of ego, have discovered the spirit which is immortal. This path of knowledge is a journey One must take alone, for only then can beliefs and faith dissolve into the known. But we should not completely dismiss the literature of books, of those who have crossed the inner portal and returned, as they have created good maps that have been proven to be genuine as well. What One discovers is that our core essence is more like a ball of energy, and out of that 'ball of energy' comes every-thing, including our body which is only the art of our expression. When fear of death is no longer a limit, this creates a empowered BEing within us in the present moment, not in the dreams of yesterday or the visions of tomorrow. Discovering truth for our-selves, is beyond just reading books and listening to lectures, dissolving our boundaries is what transcends knowledge over the limited beliefs of science and religion. The science of 20 years ago is archaic by today's standards, just as the science of today will be seen as archaic 20 years from now, and that can be backed with mathematical fact! The misinterpretations of science and religion only come when we ignore the entire spectrum of 'dimensions and universes' of BEing, getting into debates over the labels of science, is only a diversion of facing the core essence inside of us, for understanding THAT brings great clarity to our everyday Living in society

Fear

Fear is the only thing that limits our BEing, not the tyranny of governments or the stability of our economic society, we all have dreams that we wish to create, but unless One is actively creating IT today, IT only dissolves into the nothingness of our memories. We fear what others will say, we fear what others will think, creating a invisible prison around the expression of our own BEing. But in order to achieve our dreams, we must face our own fears, by stepping through the obstacles which stand before us. For as we all know, in order to reach a peak, when surrounded by others who wish to stay at ground level, One must continue to climb the mountain alone

Growth of expansion

Many of us will discount the universal flow of synchronicities, dreams, imagination, foresight, insight, premonitions, Déjà vu and such, as separate events that may or may not exist, but they all tie in together as layers of our core essence. As they are aspects of One process in motion which we interpret in different ways, for they all have this mysteries quality that deals with unfolding hidden dimensions that begin from within us, as we discover that we truly are the One who creates our own Universe. IT is not the details in life so much that we must carry and assimilate, for the greatest mystics and sages know that clinging only leads to suffering, but IT is the experience IT-self that serves as the platform for our inner growth and expansion. Even the smallest things we take for granted in this life serve this purpose as well, just as the largest gardens in the world still rely on the smallest bugs to maintain its ecology. The realm of words really does no justice to the visual hidden dimensions within us, as even the best mystics can only speak of this in limited terms, but understanding that we have to see the unreality of self in order to see the reality of Self, IS what brings us great clarity. But beyond the dimensions of vision, language is also a layer of dimension, thus why our inner thoughts weigh so heavy, and our outer words shape humanity. The energies of archetypes are also layers of dimensions, as IT is all about growing our awareness of these layers we carry. We can see this with the onion, the goal is not to get to the center, which when we peel we find to only be empty, but IT is about revealing more and more layers, for this IS what leads to our growth and expansion

Desire

Many get caught in the circle of desiring not to desire, which is only a stream of thoughts chasing thoughts, for those proclaiming 'methods' as The Way, only keep them-self bound within the realm of thoughts. For all One needs IS a silent mind to be One with the Divine, as the inner silence restores our pathway to the heart, allowing us to open our EYE to that which we were once blind. This leads to true inner transformation, which is beyond the realm of habit suppression, for true transformation begins from within the heart, as habit suppression begins from within the realm of thoughts. Watching the spirit of the lion reveals the key, as IT watches reality with the presence not unlike that of a Buddha or Bodhisattva,  having no natural enemy it can focus its attention on awareness,  thus making IT the king of the animal world.  The Bodhisattva is more of a 'living' Buddha,  One who has attained a high level of spiritual evolution,  as the word 'Buddha' is not a name but a title, which means 'One who IS Awake'.  Yet the Bodhisattva does not drift away  and remain in inner realms of bliss and paradise,  they stay with their tribe and help them stay clear of enemies,  both in the inner and outer,  so that we too may Awaken and discover our own true BEing,  just as the lion watches over ITs clan to ensure their evolution

Our Thoughts

They say what we dislike in others is only what we dislike about our-self, yet many will refuse to acknowledge this, as we carry a fear of facing our own inner shadow which only keeps us blind, for we must transcend the darkness in order to discover the light. Its not that we are all monsters, but its more that we all have that potential to tap into that energy, for far too many of us overlook our own anger and refuse to admit that this current exists. Just as every monster has within them-self the energy of a saint, but the One who clings to one side or the other to much, only allows these spectrum of currents to flow within us silently without notice. As looking closer to the inner life does reveals what psychologist call the unconscious mind, the unseen influence which is contiguous throughout humankind. These are not opinions but considered scientific facts, for what are considered archetypes, are the universal energies which interpenetrate throughout each and every-One of us. They are visible, as they can be seen in action, they are knowable, for they have been labeled and documented for future generations to make sense of this larger pattern that is unfolding. For the EYE that looks at life from a higher dimensional view, does discover the larger pattern that is continuous.

Inner Truth

Within us all is a inner world of language, most often referred to as thoughts and the realm of thinking, which is the source of all our passions, emotions and reactions. But the questions arises, are you speaking to yourself or are you only listening? If one looks closer at their thoughts, what One will SEE is a unconscious stream at work, which in turn makes us more listener then speaker. After all, why would you need to tell yourself about something you already know? For example, if someone asks you for your name, do your thoughts tell you the answer before you speak it or do you just say it without thinking? Maybe now One can SEE the difference between inner knowing and listening to a speaking influence? Until One discover the true source of thoughts, one will always be lead by thoughts unconsciously. Have you ever had a thought that you suppressed, because you knew saying that thought would only spread negativity into the world? Why would thoughts that lead to self destruction arise within us? Looking closer into the source of thoughts reveals something that is hidden from our view, psychologist make a living showing people this unconscious flow, It IS real and IT does exists, for the unconscious mind has more control over our consciousness then most care to admit. But dont take my word for IT, as this is something One must discover on their own, for the best teachers dont give you all the answers, they only point the way inward, so that One may walk a path to finding their own inner truth

Change

We are either evolving or we are decaying, either way we ARE choosing our own fate. As we cross over this moment, this Shift of Ages, many will be disappointed that they were not magically transformed. But just as the seasons change, IT takes a tremendous energy to achieve that moment, as our planet has to spin and thrust in relation to the cosmos just in order to change these seasons. Whoever thinks that inner transformation is easy, is only being deceived, for IT takes a complete surrender to the forces of nature to ever change our BEing within. Just as many seeds never fully develop, their essence can stay locked in IT forever, until IT surrenders and becomes One in relation to Nature. Let today mark the day that a return to the inner path begins, as for the One who makes this commitment suddenly realizes the magic that has always surrounded their closed EYEs. As the mystery in life is not something we must find, IT is realizing that IT was only our mind that has kept us blind. We cannot change on our own, just as we cannot lift ourselves up by pulling on our own bootstraps, for that only leads us to falling back to where we first started. As a full emergence requires a complete transformation of our true core BEing, which requires our boundaries to dissolve, to allow the forces of nature to penetrate ITs light into our darkened shell. Just as the caterpillar views its metamorphosis as the end of ITs world, the rest of us see this as the evolution of the butterfly. Same goes for our minds, when one goes through the process of a true ego-death experience, the rest of the world only sees the emergence of a great divine spirit

 

The Challenge

Many of us come to a point in life in which we have to climb a mountain, which is overcoming a conflict or struggle so huge that the only choice is to step through IT, and break through our chains that bind us. This is your path, IT needs You to climb, just have the knowing that these struggles are required to reach your inner peak inside. This path is always twisting and turning, as no-One can escape pain, just react to what the universe gives you, without judgment of the mind, as that only weakens us, and we need a strong heart to reach that higher peak inside. Many of us have to endure or witness tremendous pain on this journey, in no way is this downplaying any pain we our going through, that IS real, just as those who struggle to climb the highest mountains. Yet fears and doubts become the biggest challenges to overcome when we face struggles and pain, as some can even succumb to these pressures. But we must carry the Knowing that our spirit is strong, that which we can feel like the brightest star at night, yet no matter how much cloud cover there is blocking the view, we can still sense our light behind that view. Our Life has divine purpose, and this experience is only shaping what that IS you ARE becoming, never forget this, as whatever experience that comes before You, just carry the Knowing, that this too shall pass..

What is Religion?

Far to many take too serious what the gods made for play, for One who knows that consciousness continues after death is a far different view from someone who views life as the end. Life is about expression and expansion, not about longevity or achievements, to transcend the ego and evolve into true conscious BEings. That is what we ARE, this is to be discovered, for the time has come for a true rebirth of spirit. Forget the future, its far too easy to dream. Forget the past, those chains only keep you bound in the realm of memory, as One cannot reach the new by dragging the limits of old. Keep your focus on the present moment, for that is the only place you have the power to make choices that can co-create Today. There is definitely a current which flows between us, dont try to define it, just feel IT, go with the flow and SEE what IT unfolds. People cross paths for a deeper purpose and meaning, we all can learn from each other, if we could but silence the mind and listen. Always look at the aspects in life which reflect, and that which One can see in them-self. For no amount of understanding comes without the direct experience of reflecting, which is BEing like the perfect mirror. We all know that clarity never comes to the One who has their EYE closed, but for the One who can SEE, comes a understanding the feels like a form of telepathy. As the One who is in union with the universe, finds that there truly is no division between the "You" and "Me", as we are continuous with the universe as a wave is continuous with the sea

 

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Within man is the entire spectrum of BEing, yet within the field of mind is a splitting of this spectrum into bits and pieces. We call our behaviors good and bad, which only creates an illusion of duality. It is like picking heads or tails of a coin, forgetting that that the two sides only arise because of the existence of that One coin. One side of the spectrum cannot arise without its polar end. This is why many look at life and claim to have many problems, yet the interpretation of problems is only the inner scaling of comparing things to each other. When we compare we overlook the unique individual. Just as doctors treat symptoms but do not look at or treat the source of the dis-ease, just as mechanics seek to fix broken down cars, many of us 'judge' others, overlooking the fact that our own mind is 'seeking' for a problem. There is no problem to SEEK, in this seeking we reflect and project our own limited nature, overlooking the fact that to BE 'whole' requires the entire spectrum of BEing. Transformation can only arise with SEEing of the whole, not by suppressing, so look closer at your underlying currents. No two people get sick for the same reasons, as underlying currents always give the initial push, and not understanding these underlying currents is why we FEEL inner conflict and suffering! Instead we go around only showing a sliver of the spectrum within us, and claim that 'act' as the self, which never gets us to the true source of Authentic BEing

The Line

There is a fine line between living a life of expansion or decay, and that line is created by those who lead with the mind or lead with the heart. The mind will always create a path that leads to self destruction, for the ego will always "think" it is special and above every-one else. The heart will create a path that leads to your expansion, for compassion drives the heart to give without expecting in return. The mind will "think" it can accomplish great things by exerting their perceived wisdom over another, just like a loaded gun ready to shoot, yet all this does is separate and re-enforce their ego. The heart is the path to building true relationships, by reaching the realm of inspiring others. Those that inspire can be seen as the muse, for they inspire by being a perfect mirror of reflection, allowing one to look within and tap into their own creative flow. Inspiration is what drives and keeps relationships alive, if two are not expanding, then decaying is what they are doing, for there is no neutral in the realm of relationships. Think of the pulley system, with two that can relate and work together, they can pull each other up to reach new levels unattainable alone. Without interaction or inspiration, without something to lift, there is no relationship and the pulley system becomes useless alone

Seeing Beyond Belief

Are You stuck living in a world of "What Should BE", which causes you to fail to live in the REALity of "What IS". This creates the grand illusion, Your illusion, for those who fail to SEE with the world with Open EYEs. The One lead by UNconscious reaction and behaviour, Always walks the Path to Self Destruction. You can deny this, You can wish for the fairy tale ending, but reality always has a way of showing You The Truth, through the Experiencing of Inner Suffering. Only when One looks deeply into REALity, into YOURself, into What Actually IS right HERE and NOW, can One ever find the hidden part of The Self, Your Truth, yet to BE Discovered..

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