DATE: 02/11/2008 05:51:32 / MOOD: in love

Patrick and I hung out three nights last week (two nights back to back) and after last night it looks like we'll be spending another three, possibly four nights together this week.

I was trying not to be free tonight, because I was trying to give him the option on having some space if he wanted it.  When I told him this after we decided to get together tonight he said "I keep looking for a reason to need some space, but I just can't come up with one."

So glad that I FINALLY know what all the fuss is about.

 

 

 

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DATE: 02/09/2008 15:41:09 / MOOD: in love

After two years or romantic fuck-ups and mishaps, I think I may be on the verge of falling madly in love with somebody.

  His name is Patrick and he's the first man to seem me entirely.  I'm not just a rock chick, young chick, or scarily ambitious chick.  Looking in his eyes what is reflected is a completed picture of myself as I am, scars and all.

It's only been three weeks, with a month coming about next Saturday, and while for most people they'd be waiting for a little more time to pass anybody who knows me or reads this blog, that as of late, three weeks is an accomplish.

Never have I felt nervous, or had any of my typical freak-outs, all is good, and it's always all good if you follow.

He's a sweet and brilliant man with a love of music and words who superficially looks nothing like my type, but the first time we spoke I knew we were the same kind of weird. 

I'm in this for the long haul and right now there's no end in sight.  He's given himself to me pretty completely and openly.

He makes me laugh until I cry on a regular basis...and what's more, he doesn't even know how great he is, on regular basis he turns to me bewildered and asks, "Why are you still here?" and then laughs at it all.

Last night out date night was getting baked at his house and watching a flick.  We brought pizza in with us from the train, and after we ate he produced a box full of my favorite red velvet cupcakes from my favorite bakery in the hood.  Just because.

He may have also referenced children that I'll either bare or we'll adopt together, but in any event will be ours.

A decent chunk of me is worried I'll wake up and find out that like Tyler Durden he's only in my mind.  The other part of me is glad to understand those girls who feel the need to get in touch with their boyfriends multiple times a day, because I never have before, and to feel right being with somebody, as oppossed to say, just good.

I'll keep you posted.  With any luck, it'll be good news all the way.  If he asked me to marry him TONIGHT, I'd say yes and demand we walk down the isle ASAP.

Keep the faith and rock on!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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DATE: 02/04/2008 20:01:41 / MOOD: in love

I'm just waiting for the moment I wake up and find out that just like Tyler Derden this guy only really exists inside my head.

 

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DATE: 01/28/2008 05:31:17 / MOOD: other

Today I'm starting my third new job since I graduated school in May 2006.   No, it's not a big magazine or anything awesome like that, it's answering phones down in DUMBO, but the pay is equal to what I was just making (*whew--I was worried that due to my less than MVP status office wise I'd have to take a cut when I got a new gig this time around), with the opportunity to be making a LOT more in just a few months.

 Also, there's the potential for that thing called over-time which I haven't seen since I was in retail.  Not that I'd want to work like 80 hours a week, but a few extra bucks earned at time and a half would be help me get where I'm going just that much quicker.

This new gig also seems like the place where EVERYBODY has another agenda, as oppossed to CS where I was one of maybe two other people, which left the door open for office politicing bullshit.  

In any event, I've now learned the hard way--my mouth is staying shut, my head is staying down, and I fully intended to go about my business of building my portfolio and *hopefully* putting myself through school off of this current gig.

This is my solem oath, I'm going to make it ALL work out this time, even if it kills me.

Keep the faith and rock on!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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DATE: 01/23/2008 08:52:21 / MOOD: other

My relationship with technology is slowly moving from a love/love relationship to a love/hate relationship.

I signed into Myspace yesterday to discover that I was contacted by a girl that I grew up with.  She and I were friends until we had a falling out, like seventh grade-ish and it really probably was for the best.  We were headed in different directions.

Let me throw this into prospective for you, my neck of the woods before it became trendy was a bit rough at times but mostly middle class.  The mixture lead to odd pairings, like me the product of working class parents who told me I was going to college if I liked it or not before I was able to read or write.

And then girls like this and some of our friends from around the way who would make fun of me when I said I had to go home and do my homework for class the next day, or didn't quite understand why I was bummed that I was always in the second top and not top class.

But whatever, it took me a while to get over my educational snobbery and pretension and having been out in the world for a bit, I'm more apt to say my route isn't for everybody, and I admit I say it more freely than I did just a short time ago.

The point is, that after we had our failing out the rest of our friends took her side and then aligned themselves with the rest of the school who had taken to branding me a satan worshipper and various other things because even at 13 I had a penchant for hard music and the burning desire to promote my favorite bands upon my chest as I embarked for class every day.

This is not an entry about past torment.  Puberty was VERY good to me, I grew and became fabulous (with a heart of gold having not been for so long) and am working towards my dreams.  In short, I'm over that and have been for a while.

What I don't get is what motivates people to reach out to people in the manner which this girl has.   There have been a few people who have reached out in a similar manner, and I was actually exstatic to hear from two people in particular because had simply fallen out of touch.  But what I would never do is like a decade or so later (yeah, I'm fuckin' old) is track somebody down online and act like nothing had ever happened.

Perhaps that's too dramatic.  I wouldn't pretend that there were things that I wanted to say to them or that I was no interested in reconnecting.

In short I have NOTHING to say to this girl and no desire to catch up on the last ten years with her.  What the hell for? I'm all about moving forward and ten years is a lot of time to revisit.

I won't lie though, the Myspace page has been switched over to private and will remain so for at least a little bit.  'Till ya' know I think it's safe again. LOL.

Keep the faith and rock on!  m/

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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DATE: 01/21/2008 07:32:05 / MOOD: other

Was a flaming success!  Photo and blog update to come later...still recouping. ;)

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DATE: 01/12/2008 12:47:04 / MOOD: other

I don't know if learned a new lesson, or if I merely just had a preexisting knowledge reinforced.  That knowledge--don't count on anything or plan beyond TODAY.

 After an unpleasant week at the day where grown-ass women who are mothers, and older than my own mother, carried on like high schoolers because of my floater capacity which caused them to *gasp* share their floors with me (which is really dumb because I was the spare there to help THEM out, when THEY got busy) I was canned.

I felt like a magnificent loser last night and came very close to slipping back down into that dark valley which I had just clawed my way out of, but with the thanks of my faithful IMPORTS I am still standing on the top of the same mountain I was a few days ago.

It sucks balls and I've absolutely learned not to trust anybody in the work place to any degree. One of my co-workers who had tried to make herself out to be my friend and would often tell me stories of growing up with in the Village with her artist father ended up telling management a whole shit load of lies about my job performance and from what I gathered from the meeting yesterday that was the nail which sealed my coffin.  Fuckin' cunt.

The whole thing is bullshit plain and simple.  After coming home and declaring to my mother that, of course, now I'm bound to get into Columbia as I now have no way of paying the tuition which wouldn't be included in m financial aid package I woke up this morning with a firm grip on the situation.

I'm doing things differently. Instead of sitting on my ass in between interviews and collecting unemployment I'm being proactive.  I had been exploring tutoring and other things as a weekend job to aid in saving for the pending school year (well, hopefully) or if not using that money as a deposit on my own place.  Having had just had an excellent interview with a woman about this under the guise of only being open on the weekend, I intend to contact her on monday and explain that my availability has changed and that I'd now be open for more shifts at different hours.

Also, at this point, fuck it, I'm going for broke and am applying for everything in sight no matter how over qualified I may be.  Two out of three options-Baruch or UNL-will have me at a job only until August--ya' know daytime classes and being out of state kind of get in the way of a full-time job.

My plan has been if I end up going to Baruch to work at Starbucks for the year or so it would take to complete my degree--401 K and health benefits after 20hr/a week--not too bad, eh?  And somebody suggested that maybe I take that route now.  

It's tempting to consider, but I shall see how this job search goes.  

In any event there are far better things to think about--like seeing 'A Bronx Tale' on Broadway with Buddha tonight and the fact that I'm being invaded by IMPORTS beginning Thursday in honor of the blessed day of my birth. And as one of those said out of towners pointed out last night, now I'll have more time to spend with them.  Fantastic!

Still lookin' at the bright side...

 

 

 

 

 

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DATE: 01/09/2008 08:28:07 / MOOD: angry

Hey CS building 1001, I'm not so fucking stupid to not know that you're all talking about me all day, as if it's my fault I was hired and the company had no permanent place to put me.  Suck a dick and be mad at somebody who had something to do with it and not me.

 

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DATE: 01/07/2008 12:59:19 / MOOD: happy

Can ya' dig it? I feel that I've just arrived at a very special place in my Journalism career just a few moments ago.  I went into my inbox and had an e-mail from one of my contacts at Atlantic (!!!!!!!) Records (!!!!!!!!) pitch me a story and clearly stated that she came to ME before going to any of the pubs I write for because she wanted to make sure that I GOT THE ASSIGNMENT if any place decides to cover it.  Well shut my mouth wide open and call me luggage!!!!  *Does a little happy dance* Yeah, I know that the PR rep is ultimately trying to get coverage for her act, but still, I feel just a wee bit cooler now than I did just a moment ago.

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DATE: 01/04/2008 19:08:37 / MOOD: in love

It pleases me to announce that after a period of renovation brought on by an exceptionally rough and dark patch to announce that Christine is once again up and running.

    During this period of working out the kinks (and there was much darkness before this new light) I was confronted with a few things I'd been lying to myself about for longer than I care to admit and in a general sense had to rethink the majority of my behavior (and was causing it) and how I was reacting to things.

    After this time devoted to working on me, I'm once again to wake-up and be me, and when I quip "it's good to me" I mean in more now than I have in a very long time.

    I've gotten MY (not anybody else's) priorities straight and now that my list of ideals is organized I have rediscovered just how resiliant I can be when I'm trying to push through the bullshit to get where I'M going.

    I am able to once again realize just how bright my future is.  There was a period there where I wasn't so sure it was and now I realize that my eyes were just clouded over.

   But perhaps the biggest sign of that my work here is done (at least for the time being, because stagnation equals death ya' know) is that I've once again started taking care of myself.  Not in a vain way, but in a-as-far-as-I-know-I-only-get-one-life-so-let's -max-it-out-and-be-healthy-kind of way.  I marveled at the fact that I bought sandwhiches made with tofu coldcuts and fruit juice for lunch to the day job for the last two weeks instead of eating a days' worth of calories and week's worth of sugar and fat via greasey take out.  When I found myself braving the cold yesterday because the vending machine was out of Tropicana for some thing better than soda (even if I had stuck with diet) I knew that I'd taken a nice stroll in the right direction.

   I know some people reading this are going to say "BIG Fuckin' Deal--you brown bagged it and drank some juice--oo aren't you all self improved and superior" and to that I say, it's not about the juice, it's about what the juice represents.  Can ya' dig? If not, e-mail me and I'll explain. ;)

 

Keep the faith and rock on! And if you can't be good, be bad, baby! =)

 

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DATE: 12/19/2007 20:37:26 / MOOD: other

    So, I'm at the new day job a total of three weeks and just about everybody I've worked with has commented on how I pretty much have everything down, and that I'll just have to deal with whatever random and out of the ordinary scenario which may occur as it occurs.

    Great. This week I was turfted back to a location which I had already been at and it created some static between the assigned person and myself.  She was annoyed and after having been so chatty the last time I was there suddenly had nothing to say and couldn't be bothered to answer me back when I spoke to her because she was so annoyed by it.  Way to make the new kid feel like its her fault.  My job is really a one person job, so when you're training, you as the regular person have almost nothing to do unless the trainee asks you for help..

    The regular gal decides yesterday that she's bumping me to the other office BECAUSE "I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE THAT YOU NEED TO LEARN, YOU REALLY KNOW EVERYTHING."   I was relegated to the other office to sit and read my Rollingstone and surf the net and generally kill time on the company's dime.

    I came in today with a heeping cup of Joe, my note book to work on those pesky articles, and the intent of making the best of the situation even if my co-worker was the new crowned princess of Passive-Agressvia.

    Somebody from the main office shows up and starts asking questions about why am I not in the front.  I pop up, and say 'Hey'and get barked at to go into one of the conference rooms.

    The Barker and somebody else from the office come show up a minute later and I'm literally shaking.  Because in my head I'm going to get shit canned less than a week before Christmas due to lack of a permanent spot, and ya' know really, at that point, admission or permitted or not, Grad School at any University would totally be off the docket for 2008, as would be ever moving out of parents house in the foresable future, or ever having any kind of regular social life again.  So, FUCKED  rather rawly would be exactly where that would lnd me.

    Wouldn't you know they start going down the list of things that I've done wrong. Okay, I'm modest, I'm sure as a newbie I have fucked up here and there and shit happens. I'll own it.

    But then we start batting around the whole concept of me being left alone on a floor and I was honest that I'd only been alone on a floor one day.   I also  added that I'd only gotten positive feedback from everybody I'd worked with so far, how was I to know that things needed to be improved?

    My answer was "People aren't comfortable with giving back negative feedback, you should know that from life in general." My, aren't we condescending? What the fuck, am I suppose to be a mind reader in order to answer the goddman phone? Seriously, how was I to know if nobody had said anything to me previously?

    I get told to spend the rest of the week on 11 which happens to be the busiest floor on the building and a lot of things are done on that floor which never come up other places. Fantastic! I'm with it! I'm a fan of the Boomer who's assigned that floor, she's neat.

   I went up there and the Mega Beasts from the Main office were still hanging around. I got asked if I had the key for the floor and I told her I didn't, why would? I'd only been given keys as I'd been assigned to floors. That the most in advance I'd ever gotten a key was Friday before being shuffled over on Monday.

   My reply was that anything I needed, they needed to be told so that they can be sure that I have it. I didn't have it in me to tell them "How am I to know what I'm missing if nobody's told me what I should have?" In fact, I plan to e-mail over to them tomorrow a list of what I have (but seeing as they're in charge, shouldn't they know?) and we can collectively fill in the blanks.

   The Mega Beasts leave and the Boomer could tell that I was not happy about all of this. I told her the truth about how I thought I was going to get canned and that I didn't know why they had to be so rude when I'd never been warned about anything before.

   The Boomer assures me that I'm well liked (you really could've FUCKIN" fooled me--but that's way besides the point, I'm not there to make friends, I'm not there to know anybody's business, I'm ONLY fuckin' there because I need to fund my dreams and the regular schedule allows me to write), and that they talk to everybody like that.  Not that  its right, but at least its not me.

   I sat up on 11 for two hours, took my lunch, and then got an e-mail telling me to be up there for the rest of the week. Forgive my confusion of sequence.

   I go back up there and naturally The Boomer tells me , yeah, I have the basics down, there's just a need to cover the exotic shit. Perfect, that's what I'm there for. She also told me that she e-mailed the Mega Beast and let her know how awesome I'd done and that she didn't know what anybody else was talking about. Metal. I have no idea if it actually matters, but its good to know that she felt that way...and The Boomer is totally the type of person who will tell it to your face (I've seen her do it) so I HIGHLY doubt that she's snowing me. And if she is, I'll just sew my mouth shut and never speak to anybody again. LOL. J/K.

   I'm just so fuckin' annoyed. Let me go about my business, let me punch my clock, make my honest buck and go about MY BUSINESS and let's leave the nonsense out of  it collectively. UGH. LOL.

   Whatever so in any event, I know the only solution is to be painfully by the book and not say a word to just about anybody about anythin' outside of work.

   As my Aging Rocker told me on the phone tonight as I ranted to him on my way home "Hon, it sounds like you got caught up in office politics again." And those two things are the only way I can see keep myself pretty much out of it.

   In any event. Bed. Sleep. Good. And the fond reminder that back in the day my mantra was "Don't let the bastard's drag ya' down." 

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DATE: 12/18/2007 10:49:30 / MOOD: in love

While killing time at the day job today, I flipped through the new issue of Rolling Stone and saw that the band Gallows had been written up.  Well, bollocks, I saw them live weeks ago, the same night I nearly broke my nose, and I tried to pitch a on them to EVERYBODY in the known universe, and nobody would listen to me.  And now, they're in the stone...I really am in the wrong industry. Oh, and I did manage to succesfully pitch them (gee, I wonder why) to a mag to conicide with their upcoming New York dates.  ya' know,  I wish that just sometimes, this whole rock writer thing wasn't a constant up hill battle.Ugh.

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