An Undeniable Christmas Church Service

By: The Undeniable Mood: Stoned Date: 11/21/2008 11:47:12 Music: The Undneiable: I Surrender All

                    

For those of you who don't know, at one time in my life I was quite the devout Christian. I know, I know . . . Hard to believe, eh? The truth of the matter is, I was not only a devout Christian, but an Ohio licensed and ordained minister who founded a small church in East Canton, Ohio. I'm not going to get into all of the logistics of that time, but want to set up the story to give a bit of a history so you, the reader, have a better understanding of where I coming from.

I spent most of my Christian days living with a self-hatred. Why? Well, for thirteen years I tried to be something I was not . . . A true blue heterosexual. I sought "healing" or "transformation" via several different "ex-gay ministries." Needless to say, my conversion never took. No matter how much praying, fasting and lamenting I did. I was still gay- or technically bisexual. (I personally agree with Dr. Kinsey. We are ALL technically bisexual.) Under the direction of a few pastors, "faith-healers" and "Christian counselors," I married a sweet girl who had a son from a previous marriage and we had two more boys. While many may not quite understand, to this day I love them all and still have a wonderful relationship with all of them.

When I was still a minister, I studied the Bible and really sought out truth. That's all I ever wanted, was to know the truth . . . The WHOLE truth. Good luck at finding that in any church or any written religious work. The Bible, for example, is probably one of the most mistranslated books of all time. I found this out when translating from Koine (Greek), Hebrew, Aramaic & Latin. The most widely used version (key word- "version") of the Bible would be the King James. And shouldn't this be the most trusted version? After all, King James was such a good and holy man . . . a good and holy GAY man who was responsible for the deaths of many women due to his paranoid and delusional manuscript, "DAEMONOLOGIE." A man who sought to control his kingdom, as well as, the Catholic Church and the Puritanical movement via his verison of the Bible which would later be heralded as the great Authoritative word of God. Egad!

When I started to realize that most everything I had come to believe was pure and utter bullshit, I left the church and sought "god" on my own. For eight months I was secluded from the world around me and earnestly searched to find the face of god. No such luck. It was at the end of that period when I decided I was officially done with "Christianity" or any god for that matter.

(NOTE: I do not think Jesus was a bad person or a deceiver. I actually think he was a great and wonderful man. If you have a "red-letter" edition of the Bible, I recommend reading ONLY the red-letter words and passages. You will find when you remove the commentary of man that Jesus himself was a very cool and loving character. Seriously, if he is infact the messiah, wouldn't his own words be enough? Why would God in human form need man to re-explain what he has already said? And what he describes as living a holy life is quite different from what any church out there teaches.)

Onto the "now."

So, I packed up my bags on Saturday the 22nd to head out to Ohio to spend the holidays with my wife and kids and my sister and her family. It was the first time we were all together for Christmas. I arrived at my sister's house, where I was staying, and my second son was there. It was so good to see him again. My goodness has he grown! And what a handsome devil he has become. I guess he takes after his old man, eh? Heh-heh. We had a wonderful evening and stayed up till the wee hours of morning talking of loved ones lost and the brightness of the future.

The next morning, around 8:30am, the quiet house was disrupted by a phone call from my wife. She was calling to tell us that she would be over in fifteen minutes to pick up our son so that he could be at church to celebrate Jesus' big day. My sister woke me up to tell me what was going on and I immediately called my wife to see if this was really necessary. After all, we were up all night and had only been sleeping a few hours. But, my wife, who is still clutching onto the Christian religion insisted, "But its Christmas!" As if Christmas had anything to do with church- Let alone, Jesus! Needless to say, I was not a happy camper.

I woke up my son and told him the news. I made a joke saying, "I should go with you guys and explain to the church that Jesus really isn't the reason for the season." We laughed and as he was getting ready, I decided that I was, in fact, going to go to church. Heh-heh. Wouldn't that be interesting?

I didn't have much time, so I threw on a pair of jeans and my signature leather jacket and combat boots. I walked out the door with my son. My wife and youngest son were pulling up. We got in the car and my wife asked, "What are you doing?" I told her that I was going to church with her and she said, "Oh, no you are not." I asked her why she didn't want me to go and she said she feared that I would start drama. I told her if they don't start drama with me we are good to go. She still didn't want me to go, so I reminded her that Jesus said, "As you have done it unto the least of them you have done it unto me." (I am such a shit sometimes.) So reluctantly we drove off for our big day at church as a family.

We pulled up to this little church and walked in the doors. I joked that the walls may cave in once I walked in the building. (Don't forget this . . . It's important later on in this account.)

It was the usual scene . . . A bunch of average, small town folks meandering about offering "God bless you and Merry Christmas" with plastered on smiles. It was fun to watch as one by one they took notice of me. A few of them made their way to my wife anticipating an introduction. With much reluctance she would stammer out, "This is- uh- my ex-hus- I mean- uh- the father of my- er- our boys."

Understand, that this is a small town in the boonies of Ohio. And trust me when I say most EVERYONE knows who I am there.

So my wife nervously rustled me into a small class room . . . Sunday School! Oh man! We sat right up front and this tall, somewhat attractive guy in a little red sweater and turtleneck approached me, introduced himself and welcomed me to his Sunday School Class. I was undeniably a gentleman as always and shook his hand. It was at that moment that I realized this guy was "family." And I'm not talking "family" as in church family or blood relation. This guy was most definitely another closeted queer hiding behind a fake smile and the title, "Christian."

How do I know? Maybe it was the soft and gentle hand shake or how his eyes met mine and then scanned downward to check out The Undeniable's fabulous rock-n-roll wear . . . ehem . . . and my package. You know, it could have been the way he sat, with his legs crossed and his right shoulder cocked as if he were Marilyn Monroe posing for a pin-up calender.

The topic for Sunday School Class . . . "Being a Courageous Christian." "Hmm? Okay," I thought, "This should be interesting." And it really was! I felt like I was at a "coming out" convention. "We need to be proud of who we are!" "We shouldn't hide who we are!" "We need to speak out about who we are!" And to be honest, I really couldn't argue. I mean, Christians should be proud of who and what they are too. But then the class turned a little sour. It was recommended that Christians ought not say, "Season's Greetings" or "Happy Holidays." Rather, it is much better to offend someone in the name of Jesus. So I spoke up and asked, "Why is it so important to force feed Jesus when many people celebrate this time of year. Is it really such a bad thing NOT to try to offend people? What about the Jewish or the Wiccans and Pagans?"

Now at this moment you could have heard a pin drop in this room. And you could tell this little closet case queen knew he had his hands full. So they continue on and one guy in class talks about how instead of saying "Jesus is the Reason" he tries show Jesus through his actions rather than words. Now, that I can agree with that whole heartedly. Show your Christianity through actions not your words. Now the teacher of this class wasn't too thrilled that one of his pupils agreed with me, but he went on.

We read some scripture and then went back to his lesson which began to attack Catholics. Now, he did it with much jest and really chuckled about the fact they weren't "born again." I am thinking, "What the fuck? How do you judge another Christian religion?!" Several in the class chimed in and scoffed. But I knew my wife was sweating bullets bad enough so I kept my mouth shut.

Then it was time to attack the atheists. And more erroneous crap came out of this phoney baloney freak's mouth. "All the Atheists spend all of their time working so hard to disprove the Bible and Christ because they know they are wrong." I had to speak up. "Actually, that is not true. Every Atheist I know couldn't care less about your religion or your god. My partner and my step-dad both are hard-core Atheists and want nothing to do with any religion and do not want to know anything about it." After I corrected him, I gave him an out, "Maybe you mean Agnostics. I am Agnostic in that I believe there is something out there, but not sure what. And I do study all religions to find out what is and what is not truth."

That silly boy . . . he ran with it.

Again we move along with the lesson. I did chime in, but only on things that were cool in my opinion. I really didn't want to appear like I was trying to fuck up his class.

Finally this Sunday School was coming to a close. And I was feeling good about it and so was my wife. She looked relieved and somewhat happy. And then this fucking asshole just had to go where he knew he ought not. Right before we end with prayer he pops of with, "This is a time of showing Christ's love to all. It's like homosexuals. Homosexuality IS a sin but-"

(You don't really think I was even going to let little miss thing finish that bull-shit statement, do you?)

"Whoa there, big boy," I interrupted, "Have you ever translated the original texts and manuscripts of the bible from the ancient languages? I have. You don't know what the hell you're talking about. There is only one scripture in the entire Bible- It's in Leviticus- that refers to homosexuality and that is debatable also. I think you might want to get your facts straight." Then I looked him in the eye to let him know if he went any further I would call his gay ass out! I would yank him right the fuck out of the closet and really give him what for right in front of his wife. Now don't get me wrong, he thought about it for a good minute or two, but realized it was best to end that class . . . And he did.

As we were making our way to the sanctuary for the service I asked my wife if she was upset with me? She said she was embarrassed with both me and the Sunday School queen. I told her it was uncalled for. That it was a direct attack on me and she knew it. She agreed, but just wanted to go and sit down in the church service and get through this morning with some sanity left. So I said I would behave. Damn! I spoke too soon.

As we are walking into the sanctuary, the worship team was getting in place to prepare to lead the congregation in holiday songs of Jesus' birth and salvation. We were debating on where we would sit when the worship leader looked up and saw me. Now I didn't recognize this guy from anywhere but the look on his face told me I should.

As we got closer and closer to the front he became more and more shocked and perplexed. I couldn't figure it out. Then I thought I knew him from a M4M site. I was really sure that's what it was. However, since I have been back home, I have checked and realized that is not where I know him from. And then it hit me . . . HOLY SHIT! IT'S THE PISS QUEEN FROM THE DUNGEON IN CLEVELAND, OHIO! Shit! I knew who this dude was. Oh my god! How fucking funny? Well of course I didn't recognize him. Last time I saw him he had a leather slave collar on and was in a tub with guys pissing all over him! Pwahahahahaaaa. They got the fucking piss queen leading their worship service! How fucking funny is that?!

Just for the record, I don't do and am not into water sports, but hey, to each his own! I just find it amusing, half of my entourage that was with me at the dungeon used this guy as a human urinal! No wonder he looked like he saw the devil walking down the isle of his church- Oh wait, hge did, I am the devil. Heh-heh. Poor guy was sweating like a whore in church- Oh shit- He was a whore sweating in church. Guess those analogies rang a little too true, eh?

We go through the service and I try with all my might to hold back the laughter. Then the preacher, a very nice and kind fellow got up to speak. It was the usual, "Jesus is the Reason for the Season" sermon wrapped up in cute, lil' heart-warming stories. It was nice. He never said anything ignorant or offensive.

During the service, the weather REALLY turned bad. I mean BAD!!! It was raining and snowing and sleeting. The winds were picking up in powerful gusts. As we sat and listened to the preacher, the roof began to creak and I swear the walls shook. My youngest son who was sitting to my right whispered, "Daddy, I think the walls might actually come down!" For a minute, I thought they might also! I reassured him that would not happen, but that if it did I would again believe that Jesus is the Messiah. Needless to say, no walls came down.

After the service, we were making our way out and the preacher was introduced to me and actually gave me a hug. Though I think he is completely delusional when it comes to his beliefs, I do think he is quite genuine and I have respect for him. He never once shunned me or tried to put me down. Instead he embraced me and told me that I was always welcome there. Hmm? I dunno. He may regret that statement someday, but I doubt it. Heh-heh.

I must admit, the biggest surprise of the whole fiasco was when my wife said to me, "See, coming to church today didn't hurt you." Quickly I started to agree and say she was right, but then I stopped cold in my tracks and replied, "Actually, that's not true. It did hurt me. For as much disdain and lack of respect as I have for most Christians, I was truly hurt and deeply offended that your so-called Sunday School teacher just had to go there and be a cunt. You know that when I was a pastor, I NEVER would condemn someone who was visiting our church. Nor would I permit anyone else to do something like that. Christianity IS supposed to be about accepting people where they are and allowing Christ to deal with them regarding their so-called "sins." To single them out and try to humiliate or embarrass them is in no way Christ like and to make fun of other religions, like Catholicism is just simply wrong."

As I sit here writing this all out, I find I am still surprised that someone could offend me, The Undeniable. Truthfully, I didn't think I could be offended anymore. I guess there is still some human left inside of me. It seems the demons within me haven't completely taken over yet. Well, New Year's Eve is just around the corner and my new year resolution is to fuck as many of you dirty closet case Christians as I possible can and lose whatever humanity I have left!

Sooooooooooo....................................

You better watch out . . .

You ought to get high . . .

You better bend over and I'm telling you why . . .

The Undeniable is coming to town!